Today I spoke to my best friend and had a discussion about exes and host they affect current relationships so I thought I’d share my thoughts…
(Personal note to Jessica, when I said read my blog, I was referring to the previous post about “Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”, not this entry)
It seems that all relationships have an ending, some good, some bad, and some inevitable… Of course the inevitable ones are that finish because of things out of our mortal control (such as old age). Good and bad are on the other hand are completely in our control, and are often governed by our own conduct, and that conduct of those who become our exes. The problem comes when we move into new relationships, as both the new partners will usually have exes and therefore some sort of ‘baggage’.
Baggage…
What is baggage really? Well baggage is the memories and emotions of the previous relationships, it maybe physical, it may be emotional, it may just be simply memories. As an ex of mine suggested, it is a ‘memory jingle’ .. i.e. something, or some memory, that is associated with an object, person, movie, song, TV show, night club… etc. Something that triggers the memory of something associated with an ex.
So is baggage a problem? Well my break ups over the last few years seems to have focused on my baggage at some point. Somewhere along the lines my exes have mentioned an ex as being an issue in my life. In the case of my best friend, she has had problems with her ex that is affecting her current relationship in a damaging way. Her current partner is patient and understanding, but has seen her reminiscing on several occasions and has assumed (correctly) that she was in thought about her ex. This is obviously a problem. Here’s the thing though, her current partner also has an ex, and has baggage that goes with that. My latest ex, the baggage she had was phenomenal (and it was just her ex, it was several of her exes, all bad) and whilst it did affect me a little I kept it to a little as an effect as possible, because I know exactly what she went through. I knew that over time with love and care I could rid her of those memory jingles, I could re-write her life to remove the baggage. Unfortunately when it came to me, it got the better of her and she left because of her own baggage (according to her last message) way before I could help her re-write her life and realise that life is good, and douches like her exes don’t deserve anyone, let alone her.
So what is the solution to baggage..? Well in reality the solution is time, care and love (in that order.) It is also the understanding that any two people have baggage, whether good or bad, and when you enter into a relationship you both need to grasp an understanding of the other person, what they have been through, and how to use that to build a stronger bond between the two of you. You do need to put the past behind you (I have heard this said so many times) but when people say it, they say it without knowing what it really means. Putting the past behind you, does not mean forgetting what happened, it does not mean, bury it and don’t talk about it, it means use the memories to build a better life with someone new. Talk about what happened, talk about what you want to do, and be patient with the other person, they might talk about their ex way more than you, but it could also be that you talk about your ex as much as them, they just don’t remind you of it when you do.
Personally I talk about my ex-wife Alison a lot, I do so in a good way, I don’t recall any major arguments until the relationship and marriage came to an end, and it came to an end because I am a trans-sexual, and whilst she has no prejudices she married a man, and couldn’t cope with the idea, personally, of being married to a woman. I respect that and as such we are still friends, in fact when I was recently telling her about my proposed marriage she asked if I would allow her to ‘give me away’ to my blushing bride to be. I also talk about ‘The Mother of My Son’ (sorry Claire, but that is how I refer to you, to others) we had a very rocky and very explosive relationship that ended and returned many times over 8 years, but we are friends now and talk regularly thanks to the wonders of modern technology and social networking. Other exes I refer to, the obvious one and “The EX!”, my psycho-stalker Katie Crothers, she really messed me up mentally (whether deliberately or not) that has taken months if not years to recover from (and to be honest, I’m not recovered, but at least I am functional now.) I even think back to my very first “proper” girlfriend Jayne, a woman who I have not seen in 20 years, but every time I hear, “Toyboy”, “I should be so lucky” or “Green Door” played on the radio I immediately remember her in such a fond way.
My thoughts for a happy life with your new partner and their ex…
The human mind is an amazing thing, and whilst you can damage it very easily, over time it will recover, some take longer than others, some injuries take longer than others, we all heal differently (and in different ways.) If you get in a relationship with someone that refers to their ex, before you think badly, before you fly off with “You’re still in that relationship and not with me” or “You are just trying to replace them with me” thoughts, step back and think, you also have an ex, and even if you haven’t mentioned anything to your current partner, you still think about one of your exes when ever you hit one of those “memory jingles”…
Of course, lastly, if your ex does say something about you talking about your ex, take the time to think about it, you might be obsessing.. It is definitely worth talking through, but neither of you should make assumptions about the others state of mind, all you need to do is talk about it, and if you are about to say something, just bare in mind, that your partner talking about their good times is a good thing, the person is giving you tips about what makes them happy… You can use that to improve your bond and over-write those jingles with memories of you…!