So this entry is taken from the blog of someone I love and care about, I’m posting it because I have suffered depression and I know all too well it’s the silent killer that kills more people every year than any other disease. I am posting it because it talks about how free are we really? And in truth, the words are so well written that I thought it must be from a world renowned writer.. Well I was wrong, it is written by someone who’s first language is not even English… This shows (in my opinion) how intelligent this person is, she is a total genius, and with it the same things I suffered, the ability to see how everyone is in it for themselves, how we are slaves to money, possessions and the way society expects us to be.
With no further ado:
As I sit here and ponder with tears about to rupture from my eyes, the phrase “I want to die, I want to die…” echoes in my head and drives me bonkers. Death must be so beautiful. No yesterday, no tomorrow, forget time, just plain silence and peace. How wonderful it must be to die and not have to worry about a thing… to be free! I can’t handle this much longer; life is too much of a heavy burden on my shoulders drowning me deeper and deeper into profound despair. I am sick and tired of everything… such a vile world we live in. The mere thought of being brought up to believe that as humans we are free, incredibly baffles and disgusts me, because, how free are we actually? We are puppets on a string, slaves of our own society and of those who rule it – we are captives of the law, religion, education, work, the economy, media, people’s judgment. Freedom is being able to do or say whatever you want without fear of the consequences – given that no one around you gets hurt; so no, I strongly disagree with the statement that as human beings we are free, and having said so, this absolutely infuriates and distresses me, seeing as, from a realistic point of view, no matter how many causes and rights are fought for, we will never be truly free – that is the painful truth about life.
You call this a life? No one will ever understand how every breath feels heavy in your lungs, how painful it is just to wake up in the morning and force yourself out of bed just to do every-day tasks like every other ‘normal’ person, how disgustingly gratifying it is to drag a blade across your wrist and wait for the courage to thrust it into your flesh.. and at that moment a rush of mixed emotions surface, between rage, helplessness, feeling ashamed, yet also, control and relief. You cannot explain the knot you feel in your chest and the lump in your throat which disables you to voice out what you’re thinking.
I cannot find the strength to wake up in the morning, go to school and face society. I’ve spent so many days locked inside just lying in bed feeling depressed, helpless and suicidal… how can I explain to my teachers that I find it extremely difficult to go to school, not because I don’t want to, but because I’m losing the battle? They won’t understand…. to them I’m just another lazy student who doesn’t give a shit about her education and thus I’ll probably soon be kicked out of there too, and yet again the word FAILURE comes to mind! How can I explain to my loved ones that I don’t want to live anymore? Would they believe me or would they assume that I’m just having a bad day or going through a rough phase?
Is there any solution, any cure, any hope? I’m afraid I’m not capable of answering that question… so instead let’s drink another glass of alcohol to suppress the pain, light another cigarette to feel a certain calmness, roll another joint to feel liberated and at peace, and have sex with another stranger to feel alive for a very short while, let’s swallow another pill because those were the doctors’ orders and supposedly ‘feel better’.
Truth is, I feel empty, miserable, lost, alone, disgusting, hopeless and depersonalized…. these thoughts won’t shut the f*ck up!
Have I perhaps gone mad?
No hunnie, you haven’t gone mad, you have just expressed in words something I could never, my depth of expression, my ability to put into words my true feelings about life in this world of today. We are all slaves to those who want power and money, even I as an evangelist, as a vigilantly as a person pushing as hard as I can to get society going in the right direction still suffer at their hands.
Chin up hun, I love you and so do all those around you. You have the power to change the world, let me show you how. <3