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Is Your Friendship Or Relationship Nothing More Than The Result Of A Saviour, Martyr or Victim Complex?

This article deals with the second of two very emotional subjects and states which whilst are separate conditions/issues are extremely closely related, and in my unqualified non professional opinion, one can lead to the other and can be exploited by abusive people intentionally or unintentionally. The first article covers Trauma Bonding.

The Victim Complex

At its core, the victim complex involves someone viewing themselves as a victim of their life events. They often express that bad things always happen to them, claim that they have no control over their life, and don’t take responsibility for things they do. The motives for a victim mentality are often unconscious, but can also be conscious and deliberate as a method of manipulation and/or path to Trauma Bonding.

The victim mentality provides people with a sense of safety and validation. As the victim, they don’t have to take the blame for their actions, they get attention from the people around them, and they are validated by support from others. However, by putting the responsibility on others, they sacrifice their own control and ability to act. They rely on others for their self-worth.

For example a claim I heard that strikes of this very issue:

A claim was made the “victim” had a “traumatic miscarriage” because they were at a music concert and got pushed around/crushed by the crowd. They claim to have a diagnosis of PCOS, and claim they were being raped by their “husband” on a regular basis. However one has to ask the following questions of the “victim”:

  • If you’re being raped, why didn’t you report said rape to the authorities?
  • Why didn’t you leave?
  • Is the alleged rapist the father of the child?
  • Does the father even know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage?
  • If you knew you were pregnant why were you there?
  • As a “professional photographer” why were you in the crowd and not in front of the barriers like other photographers?
  • Why did you tell the pop stars/artists and not those supposedly close to you?
  • Does the father even know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage?
  • In the 6 months past said incident and you have moved some 5 hours (by road) from the alleged rapist, why have you voluntarily been back for sex on more than one occasion?
  • Why after finding a new place to live a new partner and a new job why have you still not reported the rape to the authorities… 6 months later?

I did ask some of these questions, the answers got I still do not understand and for privacy I will just say, the “victim” abused me for questioning their events and spent a great deal of time and effort lying about their new job, their new partner, where they are living, studying etc. I have no clue to why they lied so persistently as I wasn’t the “rapist” however, by the time of me asking some of the questions i had come to the realisation I needed to make changes in my life, and they didn’t involve this person. Since then it has been suggested I might have or be suffering from a Martyr Complex.

As a discerning reader you probably realise i might know a little more about this “victim” personally than just it being some random claim, well they were a close friend and are now an ex-friend, and that is the way they will permanently stay. I may have a touch of Martyr Complex dealing with them, I’m working on that.

With both martyr and victim complexes, a person relies on others for their validation and reward.

They constantly sacrifice resources against their own self-interest. A martyr takes on the role of the hero. ‌People who use martyr behavior tend to have good motives for doing so. Sometimes, they may be forced into the role of a martyr because of their environment. People in service-based professions may develop a martyr complex.

The Martyr Complex

Martyr complex behavior differs depending on the cause.

Minimizing accomplishments

They may dismiss their actions, saying it’s not important when they make sacrifices. They do it for the good feeling of making the sacrifice and not for the praise of being recognized.

Being the hero

The idea of the “hero syndrome” can serve as a sign of the martyr complex. They may often play the hero and do everything theirselves, solving everyone’s problems without complaint.

Lacking self-care

No one can pour from an empty jug. If they’re in a situation where they are constantly giving and letting their own personal health slip away, they are likely exhibiting the patterns of a martyr complex.

Seeking chances to sacrifice

Similar to the victim complex, a martyr looks for opportunities to step into harm’s way. They may search for instances or create ways to make those sacrifices.

Having unrealistic values

A martyr may view their actions as an expression of how much they care. They may feel that if they’re not working hard for people every day, it means they don’t love them enough.

Getting Help

The martyr complex is often deeply embedded into their lifestyle. This makes it hard to address and care for. They can take steps to shift their thinking away from being a  martyr and toward taking care of themselves. For example:

  • Find/Join or start a support group (this doesn’t have to be complex specific.)
  • Invest in themselves by setting aside time and resources for things they enjoy.
  • Devote time for their physical health.
  • Devote time for their appearance and well being.
  • Journal and express gratitude for themselves and others.
  • Spend time with friends and family in environments where they don’t need to help anyone and can just enjoy each other’s company.

From a personal perspective I joined a number of Social Media chats, and started going out to concerts and events, started putting on make up again, bought some new clothes, even bought a new car. I gave up smoking (1st Sept 2023) and mostly gave up drinking (from 7th Sept 2023) – mostly being a glass of wine with dinner some nights instead of before which was a bottle of wine every night without fail.

This has mostly helped, however the “victim” which my “martyrdom” was intertwined with has severe narcissistic traits and took it upon themselves to continuously bait and attack me in the very Social Media Chat groups that I was using to help break said bond. This resulted in me voluntarily leaving “Queers Down South” as i found the administrators of the group to be friends with the perpetrator of the abuse, which enabled further abuse, and therefore made the space not safe for anyone like me (breaking their own first rule.)

The Savior Complex

According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as:

“A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”

Many individuals who enter into caring professions such as mental health care, health care and even those who have loved ones with addictions may have some of these personality characteristics. They are drawn to those who need “saving” for a variety of reasons. However, their efforts to help others may be of an extreme nature that both deplete them and possibly enable the other individual.

What Is The Saviour Complex?

The savior complex is a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.

There are many sides to a saviour complex and it has many roots. One of its fundamental roots, in my experience, consists in a limiting belief the saviour person has that goes something like this:

“If I always help people in need, I will get their love and approval, and have a happy life.”

This is of course, a nice sounding fairytale, because often, in real life, a saviour will have such an unassertive way of helping others that instead of becoming grateful, they get used to it and they expect it. They feel entitled to receive help from this person, simply because they need it and they’ve always got it.

On top of this, similarly to the Martyr Complex they’re always putting other people’s needs first, this makes a saviour not take care of their own needs. So while they may feel happy because they are helping others, at some level, they feel bitter and frustrated at the same time.

The underlying belief of these individuals is: “It is the noble thing to do.” They believe they are somehow better than others because they help people all the time without getting anything back. Do you have any idea how dim-witted this is? There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while you are starving at a psychological level. If our ancestors would have willingly done so 50,000 years ago, our species would be extinct.

While motives may or may not be pure, their actions are not helpful to all involved. The problem is that trying to “save” someone does not allow the other individual to take responsibility for his or her own actions and to develop internal motivation. Therefore, the positive (or negative) changes will likely only be temporary if at all.

Getting Help

So how do you avoid the “saviour” trap with relationships and friends?

  • Slow down decision making and/or responses to issues enough to be mindful of choices and/or responses.
  • Say “maybe” or “no” before saying yes in order to give yourself time to weigh options.
  • Process emotions with friends, and family, reach out to support services if you don’t have friends or family you can process emotions with.
  • Set boundaries with other individuals that allow you to balance caring for them and helping them vs trying to “save” them.
  • Reach out for support from a therapist or coach in order to receive an objective assessment of your interpersonal issue.
  • Let your loved one or friend take responsibility for their actions.
  • Do not work harder trying to help/resolve the issue than your friend or loved one.
  • Do the best that you can do to support the individual and then “let go” of the results.

Possibly as important if you are the person being “saved” by someone and you recognise they are trying to “save you“, you may need to review the above and suggest to your potential saviour that you appreciate them trying to help but that is not the best way forward.

Being a saviour is neither noble nor practical.

Final Notes

This is the second article dealing with Victim Mentality, Victim, Saviour and Martyr Complexes which narcissists can also use as a method of manipulation and pulling you into their control (See: Covert Narcissism) I have been on the receiving end of at least two narcissists in my life, and have ended up even questioning myself to see if I am a narcissist.. I know I was accused of being one by one of the two i have had relationships in my life. However, a favourite quote of mine in relation to this very issue and usually where i face up to having seen this behaviour and explained it away multiple times (never learning it seems):

Whereas a typical narcissist thinks she is better than others because of her innate qualities, a covert narcissist with a martyr complex (aka a Martyr Narcissist) justifies her sense of superiority with the “good deeds” she does for others.

So she gets to be on a high horse at all times, seeing other people as selfish ingrates who are ultimately unworthy of her “gifts.”

More often than not, covert narcissists with a martyr complex seriously overestimate their goodness. They exaggerate the importance of things they do for others, and resent people for not measuring up to their twisted standards.

They think they’re selfless and giving, when in fact they are completely self-serving.

They are also master maniuplators.

Finally, if the above, any of the above rings alarm bells with you, or you get that deep feeling in your gut that something is disturbingly similar. Get a second opinion, get help, talk to a professional, and above all you need to be honest with yourself and the professional you are getting help from. If you are the perpetrator of the narcissistic behaviour just being honest with professional help is the first step to a better life for you and those around you. If you continue lying to others, you are just lying to yourself and you are writing a future of pain, and loneliness as narcissists never find true love. If you are the victim of a narcissist, you can try to get them help, but ultimately they have to get the help themselves, if they are not willing to do so… RUN!

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Is Your Tightest Friendship Nothing More Than A Trauma Bond?

This article deals with the first of two very emotional subjects and states which whilst are separate conditions/issues are extremely closely related, and in my unqualified non professional opinion, one can lead to the other and visa-versa. The second article covers Victim Mentality, Saviour and Martyr Complexes.

Trauma Bonding

Is Your Tightest Friendship Nothing More Than A Trauma Bond?

If ever there was a time when it is recommended that you read an article when you’re in a pretty good mood (meaning, not easily triggered) and you can be uninterrupted so that you take some time to process all that’s been said, this would be it. If you are a victim you will find this article applies to you, and expect an ‘Ah-ha moment’ ..

I mean, who ever really goes into a relationship or friendship, thinking that it is to be based on some form of trauma? And yet, whether a lot of us want to accept it or not…that is exactly what some of us do. Often. In part, because we don’t get what a trauma bond actually is and/or how to avoid cultivating one before we find ourselves feeling wounded, heartbroken and/or devastated.

And here’s the real trip of it all. While I’ve experienced a few trauma bonds with past romantic relationship (that I have written about 10+ years ago), often folks don’t realise that where they tend to be highly prevalent is in platonic situations. When your close friendships are toxic, that tends to affect, infect and negatively influence you in ways that you don’t even realize—until you break free, and even then you may question your own self worth and wonder if it was you all along.

What Exactly Is a Trauma Bond?

” Trauma bond” is the kind of phrase that’s used so much that it has taken on a lot of meanings. While I do personally think that an extension of a classic trauma bond is when two people connect on nothing more than unhealthy habits and/or brokenness and/or toxic personality traits (which means they aren’t building on anything healthy, purposeful or meaningful), that isn’t what a true trauma bond is all about.

A trauma bond is when a narcissist finds a victim to bring into their world and then manifests a cycle of abuse that becomes so unbelievably insane that:

1) it’s hard for the victim to even grasp what is going on, and

2) even once they do, they don’t really know how to get out.

Keeping this in mind, in order for a trauma bond to make even more sense, we should break down what some traits of a narcissist actually are.

A narcissist will generally have these traits:

  • Needs constant praise
  • Is an ego maniac
  • Intimidates and belittles others
  • Is apathetic
  • Makes everything be about them
  • Feels envious of others
  • Is obsessed with power, beauty and/or success
  • Is a snob (thinks only certain people are “qualified” to be in their intimate space)
  • Idealizes relationships in a way that is unrealistic

To explain, “needs constant praise” is very easy to spot as everyone likes some sort of praise and validation, however when you that to other things in the list it becomes more of and issue. “is an ego maniac” this can be quite difficult to see and realise in some people, others it can be “punch in the face obvious”, the less obvious ones tend to be those that who when put in a group of people will end up being “top dog” or “team leader” even if it is clear that is not their roll. It follows on to the intimidates and belittling of others, to gain the position of “top dog” they will identify any threat to their position and undermine them often in very subtle ways. They will almost always turn nasty or “walk way” from a team or group if their tactics don’t work. Unfortunately, and conversely when they succeed in their attack on another member and force them to leave or accept a different position within the group they will be empowered to attack others who may challenge their assumed authority.

Another big red flag (something the Donald Trump example below shows) is how they will be apathetic to you in a conversation about your problems, but will manipulate the conversation to being about them. This can be rather disconcerting if you see it, you will come away from a conversation where you confide in that person something that is disturbing you (eg, your job, your partner, your health etc) and they will over a very short time of conversation turn the entire conversation in to being about them and there will never be a “back to your issue” moment. Any attempts for you to steer the conversation back to your problem will result in an apathetic response. (As an amusing aside it would be interesting to me to respond in an identical way to the person, and see what happens.. i.e. two narcissists trying to one up each other.)

The classic narcissist always is envious of others, particularly the power, beauty and success of others, this leads to their obsession with the same and often will use tactics of putting others down in their target obsession to make themselves “more successful”. In the case of them meeting someone who is publicly considerably more successful they will move to the final red flag, they will idolise any relationship with that person in an unrealistic way. For example, groupies referring to their pop idols as friends just because they liked a photo they posted to social media.

A prime example of a classic narcissist is Donald John Trump. And while there are a billion and one reasons why that man has been able to get away with as much as he has, a big part of it is because so much of the USA politically is trauma bonded to him. For whatever the reason, they initially found him to be charming and/or funny and/or intriguing, he manipulated that, then proved himself to be nothing that he promised. Yet, because certain folks made him up to be something bigger in their own minds, they remained loyal anyway. They remain trauma bonded.

OK, but how does this all happen? Outside of political mayhem, how can people who seem to be really smart and self-aware still find themselves caught up? That’s a really good question.

How Do So Many of Us Get Caught Up in a Trauma Bond?

When it comes to how a person either becomes a narcissist or involved with one, it typically has to do with one’s childhood. Oftentimes, narcissists grow up feeling abandoned or not properly nurtured in some way, so they create a really toxic way to self-preserve and self-persevere.

On the other hand; a victim of a narcissist can often be because they were raised by a narcissist this is because as children, we want (and deserve) to be loved. It is also my belief that narcissism is learned behaviour and therefore a child exposed to a narcissistic upbringing can learn the behaviour as normal, and therefore propagate the behaviour. The obvious problem at this point is telling victim from perpetrator, and in my experience (having now been exposed to two definite narcissists) is that the perpetrator having been a victim knows just how to use victim blaming and transference to hide/divert attention from their own abuse of their victim to make it seem the victim is abusing them.

So with that breakdown, it might make sense how you can have a tight trauma bond with someone who you consider to be a really close friend. However, if that friend is a narcissist, then already something is “off”. That said, do me a favor and think about the people who you consider to be in your inner circle. Do they have a huge ego? Do you find yourself praising them as they belittle you? Do you have moments when it seems like they are a closet hater or envious of you (check out: Five signs your friends are envious of you)? Are you way more “into them” (committed, devoted, supportive) than they are into you? Do they not seem interested in understanding what you need and how you feel?

Deeper still, have you not even really stopped to consider all of this because, up until now, the amount of time, effort and energy that you’ve put into the relationship has caused you to keep enduring what they are dishing out because you’ve chalked it up to being “That’s just how they are” with a dash of ill-defined loyalty to them and the friendship?

Matter of fact, have you even stopped to ponder if you’re even happy and fulfilled in your friendship? Because unfortunately, a lot of us seem to feel like that way of thinking should only be reserved for romantic relationships (or perhaps even professional ones), when the reality is you deserve to be happy, fulfilled and nurtured in every single relationship you’ve got. So, if all you and yours have are “all these years”, no matter how much you love and care about them, not only is that not a good enough reason to remain in the relationship, chances are, you are subjecting yourself to abuse—a trauma bond.

If this is the case, suggesting that you quit the relationship will usually result in a disproportionate response (eg: they will immediately suggest the way forward that full blocking on all forms or social media and never to speak again etc..) Whereas when you actually do terminate the relationship they will attempt to hold on to it for as long as possible usually by lies, deceit and by not returning any property borrowed… this will over a short period of time get more and more abusive the more you attempt to resolve any outstanding issues until finally you will be in a position where for your own safety you will need to walk away and block said abuser from all forms of communication. You will then find if you have any shared groups of friends or organisations you will be systematically attacked/provoked and isolated until you find you have no other option but to leave said groups and friends.

What Does a Trauma Bond Between Friends Look Like?

If some of this is rattling you a bit and you would like a little more info, just to be sure, here are some signs that you could have a trauma bond with a so-called friend:

If your friend:

  • Guilt trips you into getting you to do what they want you to do
  • Uses manipulation to get what they desire
  • Makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable in some way and, if you bring it up, they not only attack you for doing so but find a way to make you feel like a bad person for even mentioning in.
  • Rarely takes accountability and responsibility for the wrong that they’ve done and, if they ever do, the remorse seems fake.
  • Never wants to deal with real issues within the relationship.
  • Has unrealistic expectations and/or are hypocritical in the sense that they expect you to do what they are unwilling to do in the friendship.
  • Is never wrong
  • Is hypersensitive and/or super defensive most of the time.
  • Is self-righteous.
  • Hurts you, deflects, and then hurts you again (especially if it feels like a pattern)

While none of us are perfect (and anyone who feels otherwise about themselves; they too could easily fall into the narcissism demographic), if you’ve got someone in your life who you could easily check off 3-5 of these traits—while it might be a bitter pill to swallow, you very well could be involved with narcissist. Not only that but you could very easily be trauma bonded to them as well. Of course if you can checkoff 7+ Its pretty much a certainty (for example one recent one for me checks off at least 8.)

A clear sign that there is some trauma bonding going on is if you read this, you feel a pit in the bottom of your stomach, and yet, your immediate inclination is to defend your friend or the dynamic rather than figure out a way to actually grieve the reality, heal yourself and set up some firm boundaries. It is also as likely you will be reading this and thinking, “thats what they said about me” or “was I doing that?”

I speak from personal experience when I say that, being in a relationship with a narcissist is a vicious cycle that absolutely will not change until:

  1. they are forced to face some consequences of their actions, and
  2. they get some assistance from a reputable counselor or therapist.

Please never forget that it’s pretty close to impossible for a narcissist to heal on their own because they’ve got to be humble enough to recognize that something is wrong with them and humility is a trait that narcissists simply do not have.

How to Heal from Breaking a Trauma Bond.

So, what are you saying, Meesh? If I’ve got a trauma bond with someone, I need to cut them off.  No, I don’t necessarily recommend that you be as “abusive” to a friend as they’ve been to you. What I will say, though, is if it is now abundantly clear that you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, why would you want to keep them in the honored and privileged space that really belongs to those who are going to love you right and well?

You, however, should take some time away from the “friend”, so that you can figure out what you want and need, what the counterproductive patterns have been and why you tolerated their bull**** for so long, and even whether you want to allow them in your life at all. It can help to journal out where you think your codependency in this area stems from and how long it’s been going on. If you do decide to keep them around you need to establish firm and necessary boundaries with them in order to protect yourself from further harm. It can also be smart to come up with your own definition of what a real friend means to you.

Something I have done in the past for romantic relationships (usually part of counselling) is creating pros and cons lists. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t do the same for a friendship as well as it is just another form of relationship. So for the friend who you think you are so close to and love so much, figure out the great things about having them in your life and the not-so-awesome ones. 

Ask yourself if you’re “in this” because that’s just the way it is because you are afraid of what life looks like without them or you don’t really have any other friends but that friend. If any of those reasons resonate, give yourself permission to accept that they simply aren’t good enough. You should never remain in a friendship merely out of habit, fear, or loneliness. Besides, it’s not until you remove yourself from your emotional abuser that you can get into friendships that are better for you anyway. Also be acutely aware, that often narcissists (particularly the paranoid narcissist) will isolate you from any friends and family so you have to rely on their “friendship” and their friends.

The second article I am writing referred to at the very start covers the Victim Mentality, Saviour and Martyr Complexes which narcissists can also use as a method of manipulation and pulling you into their control (See: Martyr Narcissism)

Shout out to xoNecole as a considerable amount of this article comes from there.

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Abuse in relationships…

Introduction.

A friend recently asked about abuse in relationships, and didn’t know whether they had wandered into abad relationship. So after a discussion with them I pointed out a number of factors that could point to control or manipulation and therefore abuse.

The things discussed I decided I’d share with all, this therefore is the first part of many that I will write about over the next year, it is a personal view and certainly not the be all and end all, so if you find yourself thinking, “am I being controlled” have a read of the articles and if they ring alarm bells with yourself, talk to professional help about how you can get yourself to a better place.

If anyone finds these useful but would like to me to write on a specific topic, feel free to drop me an email here: michelle@shellsshots.com and I will attempt to provide general insight and research on the particular topic. First topic… financial control.

Abuse by Financial Control

The is very easily perpetrated both deliberately and accidentally where one person in a couple earns money and the other does not… e.g. husband and wife.

There are three main types a couple will control finances:

  • All money earned by both parties goes into a ‘joint account’ (and maybe a personal account each that money is shared out into.)
  • All money earned by both parties goes into their own personal account and some of that is shared
  • All money earned by both parties goes into their own personal account and financial responsibilities are shared but no money is shared.

Depending on where in the world you live will depend on whether one is more common than another, and indeed your relationship status (e.g. married or living together) will also have baring on your choice of sharing.

The list should be fairly self explanatory why each is used and how it does, but in the event of it not being quite ‘your fit’ I will explain:

All money earned is shared.

Quite simply all money you and your partner earns will go directly into a joint account, and from there all the bills are paid, shopping and groceries are paid etc. Some couples will also have their own (savings) accounts where a fixed amount (either directly or percentage of earnings) will be transferred out to their own accounts for ‘special items’.. e.g. treats for themselves, birthday presents for their partner, habits (like smoking) etc…

This type of arrangement is the most ideal as it gives full financial freedom to both parties whilst ensuring responsibilities to the household are met.

The two ways these are usually abused:

  • Where one partner will require the statements of the other’s personal account to checkup what money is being spent and where.
  • When the relationship breaks down, and either the account is emptied or frozen by one party to abuse the other.

The second reason given is the most common why people seem not to use joint accounts in this way.

All money is kept separate with a join responsibilities account.

This is the method where your wages/earnings are paid into an account that is your sole responsibility and you have an agreement to pay either a fixed amount or percentage of your earnings into a shared account.

This type of arrangement has a distinct advantage over the ‘All money is shared‘ method in that should things go wrong the other party cannot freeze your access to money. However, it also has the disadvantage that if you are not earning anything, you have no money that is not also shared. Of course it also suffers like all three methods if one partner is demanding details on payments made from personal accounts.

Personally I have had most of my relationships in this type of arrangement, those that weren’t where I was not living with the other person and the relationship had not gotten to the level where finances could be shared. This has been suggested at times that I could be controlling my partner (and indeed in some cases I was, blatantly, but with their full knowledge and reason (which is where I consider it not abuse.))

In my case, my partner was not earning any money and I was putting in a non insignificant amount of money into the joint account for them to take care of responsibilities, like paying for food, petrol, buying clothes etc. The problem for my partner of the time was that there was not enough money to get a lot of clothes, or to buy designer items etc.. I had to point out to them on multiple occasions, that out of my personal account, I was paying the rent/mortgage, car loans, personal loans for joint items, household bills (water/electricity/phone etc) and the actual amount of left over money after putting money into the joint account was less than the money I put in the joint account. This was very controlling and I was constantly aware of it and even though I knew they had the better end of the deal I constantly felt guilty about it. The situation changed after a couple of years as loans got paid off and my partner got work (and therefore started contributing) and the situation ended up with spare money in the joint account and several thousand in savings in each of our personal accounts.

I never ask my partner what they are spending their personal money on, and they never ask what I am spending on either, however, to give an idea of how it works… I smoke and drink, I buy all of my vices from my personal account. I buy presents from my personal account. If I want a new phone or computer I buy it out of my personal account (well not exactly.. but will explain towards the end.) My partner does the same, except they rarely drink and don’t smoke but they do like their designer label clothes, so they buy them from there.. they also want plastic surgery so again, they are saving money to pay for it from there.

Completely separate finances.

This type of financial arrangement is usually what you see at the beginning of any relationship, but often it continues even after marriage. When it is mutual agreement (as in both parties have said, they want it this way, not one wanting it and the other not or being persuaded against it) it is fairly safe from abuse. Like the other two arrangements the classic abuse sign is when one partner will demand the see what the other is spending money on.

It does have an advantage in that at the end of a relationship everything becomes quite easy to separate and its difficult if not impossible to abuse the other by ‘cutting them off from their own money’… however it is also the most easily abused where one partner is working and the other not (regardless of whether the relationship has ended or is ongoing.)

The problem and abuse, quite surprisingly to many, can come from either side of the relationship:

  • The partner not earning can demand, manipulate, control the person earning by constantly playing on the fact they have no money of their own and how they are doing things for their partner all the time. This ‘doing things’ can be anything, like cooking, cleaning, looking after children or even sexual favours.
  • The partner earning can control and manipulate the person not earning into doing things they don’t want/like to do by withholding money unless their wishes are fulfilled (this you, the reader, probably guessed already.)

A note on business accounts.

To add a complication to these seemingly simply ways to abuse are when there is a business account brought into the equation. Business accounts are used for business things (obviously) however in many countries (e.g. Australia) they are also used in a legal tax avoidance method, and illegal if you don’t know the rules. In Australia, there are two main types of business an individual or couple will own, either a straight ‘ABN’ which is basically the same as being self employed, or a ‘ACN’ which is where there is a legal company entity. Any ACN will also have an ABN, an ACN is where the company name is followed by ‘Pty Ltd’ and is similar to the UK where you have ‘limited companies’ these are companies that have been setup with shares and have limited liability, but are privately owned and not on the stock market. ABNs are used more like a ‘trading as’ so the money earned and any liabilities come back to those listed as the owners. Each has its advantage and disadvantage when it comes to tax and responsibilities in regards to those with financial interests… talk to a financial advisor and accountant about what is better/safer for you and your circumstances. However, something to beware of and can result in some extreme forms of abuse is where one of the couple owns the shares in the business and the other does not work for the company but gets tax breaks from it. This is mostly illegal and can result in severe penalties including jail.

For example if one partner has a company car, phone, computers etc and uses them for personal use they have a FBT (Fringe Benefits Tax) liability. It is not uncommon for the abuser to fail to mention it, and then use it as leverage at a later date. Similarly if one spends money from a business account (that are not wages of employees), the law requires the money is viewed as a loan and has to have a specific payment plan with interest specified etc.

The biggest lesson here, and something my accountant warned me of just last week, if your partner gives you a corporate card (credit or debit) you MUST ensure you only use it for things directly related to the company.. and you must be ready to prove it to the tax office. You could end up in court facing fraud and/or embezzlement charges (both of which carry jail time for first offenders) if you cannot. Charges can even be laid if you have used the card for company business if you are not an official employee, though it is rare for this to happen, and usually will only occur when the ‘owner’ says the payment was unauthorised. An example of how you can cross the line is if you own a car dealership, purchasing a camera and computers would be completely expected, however expensing food and travel to locations that don’t relate to the delivery or purchase of a vehicle for the business will be questioned. Similarly running an online business (such as mine) purchasing $2000-3000 worth of designer clothes would probably be ignored the first time as I would need professional clothing for meeting business partners and customers, however if I was doing it every month, I would expect to be audited very quickly. In summary, if you are in a relationship where your partner has a business and you are spending company money, make sure it’s on only company related stuff and you are either a shareholder or employee of the company otherwise you could be in serious trouble when you don’t do as you are told.

Finally…

The key to knowing whether there is manipulation and therefore abuse when it comes to finances is communication. If one person is controlling the money and examining where it is going, it doesn’t automatically mean there is abuse… especially if the finances are tight. However, if money is plentiful (who has this nowadays?!??!) and a person finds them having the explain every purchase or beg for money its at the other end of the spectrum and most likely abuse. If you communicate with each other and things are explained and you know where and why purchases can and cannot be made then even if money seems ok it maybe your partner is just trying to keep it there.

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Stalking, what it is and what it is not…

So many years ago many of you will know I was stalked to the point it affected my mental health and left me in fear of violence being perpetrated against me. Now I recently had someone use the excuse “I didn’t want to be accused of stalking you” as a reason not to communicate, and then later actually partake in stalker like behaviour (jury is out if they will actually move to stalk me.) So I thought I’d write this post about what stalking actually is and isn’t.

First the legal definition:

From https://www.police.nsw.gov.au/crime/domestic_and_family_violence/what_is_stalking

Stalking is a crime. It is an offence under the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007.  Stalking is defined under this law and includes:

‘the following of a person about or the watching or frequenting of the vicinity of, or an approach to a person’s place of residence, business or work or any place that a person frequents for the purposes of any social or leisure activity’.

Stalking involves a persistent course of conduct or actions by a person which are intended to maintain contact with or exercise power and control over another person. These actions cause distress, loss of control, fear or harassment to another person and occur more than once.

Stalking can involve threats or sexual innuendo and the stalker generally tries to intimidate or induce fear in the person they are stalking. The person being stalked may only realise they are being stalked once they identify a pattern of strange or suspicious incidents occurring, such as:

  • phone calls
  • text messages
  • messages left on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter etc.
  • notes left on the their car
  • strange or unwanted gifts left at their home
  • an awareness that they are being followed
  • being continually stared at or gestured to by another person.

The person being stalked can often develop a sense of loss of control over their lives and can be forced into changing their routine and behaviours.

What this means, and cyberstalking.

Basically, in very simple terms, if someone is engaging in following someone either in real life or ‘online’ they are likely to be stalking them… However, doesn’t that mean all our friends are ‘stalkers’ … no obviously it does not, there is the prerequisite to stalking, the stalker must be doing the following without permission. Friends have inferred consent and therefore the any following is not stalking. Similarly if someone follows your public posts on social media or a blog (such as this one) it is not stalking.

What is stalking though is if the person(s) following the posts have been told to stop their actions (very difficult to prove) or if they circumvent access controls to ‘follow‘ posts. This means that if you explicitly block someone on social media, and the person uses a second, unknown to you, account they are guilty of stalking. Similarly if they get a friend, relative or partner to view your posts and then relay the information to the person blocked this is stalking by proxy (legally ‘aiding and abetting an act of stalking‘.)

What stalking isn’t is the act of a person going to a place, social, home or other to communicate with another person, providing:

  • They have not been told previously to stop (i.e. the ‘stalkee’ has told the ‘stalker’, I never want to see/speak/communicate with you again.)
  • They don’t show up in any place where a reasonable person would consider it inappropriate. (e.g.turning up at a work place where they can reasonably visit a home and knock on the door.)
  • They have a reasonable excuse to communicate (e.g. if there is a child involved and some illness or injury has occurred.)
  • Emailing someone about an issue as a preference to seeking them out physically. (Note: emailing someone constantly can be stalking, this comes down to intent and frequency. Legal matters (attempts to resolve) are not stalking, but if you have a lawyer you should let them handle it as any direct contact can have legal implications. Matters about property or children (e.g. where custody is involved) etc are not usually stalking offences unless the ‘stalker’ has been explicitly told to cease contact… Using such an issue such as custody to include another matter such as comments on their personal lives, however are riding a very thin line than can turn either way, especially is the ‘issue’ is frivolous.)

Often issues of stalking come up where two people share the same area and make unwanted contact due to close proximity. This is often seen by the person that thinks they are being stalked as a stalking incident. It often is not… For example, if a couple splits and they both live in the same small town/village, it is quite reasonable to expect that they will be in the same physical location from time to time (e.g. a supermarket) What would be stalking though is if one party moves to another area and travels to the location of the other to visit services (again, e.g. a supermarket) where there are the same services local to them. Similarly if the person that feels they are being stalked changes services used/visited to avoid the other, and the other suddenly also changes to match their habits, this is very much stalking.

A recent issue of stalking…

A recent issue with me shows clear misconception of what constitutes and does not constitute stalking. I recently warned someone, via a third party, if the continue their actions, I would cut all social contact. They continued, I blocked their phone number, I ‘unfriended’ and blocked their social media accounts. They then did not contact me, as any good person wouldn’t, however there was an unresolved issue of property that had to be returned (in both directions.) I initiated email contact, which the resulting conversation was not pleasant to say the least, however it resulted in meeting twice where the second meeting was more level-headed and respectful on both parties. The last of the property (that I care about) was returned and I returned the remaining item that I was unable to locate previously.

The conversation that followed though brought up the comment about stalking. I had told the person that they could have contacted me if they had wished. They indicated they could not have as I had them blocked on all social media and messaging apps (phone SMS). I replied, they could could have emailed, could have knocked on the door of home, or failing wanting to travel the 25 minutes highway drive to my home they could have turned up at a couple of venues they know I frequent at a specific time and day of the week most weeks. They responded that they could not as this would constitute stalking. It would not… A single visit to communicate about the exchange of property is not stalking. In fact, based on their assertion the third-party had not given them the message (which I have since determined is actually a lie), turning up to have a reasonable conversation would not have been an issue as I had no issue with this person. If however, I had at that time or later told the person never to turn up again, any future acts would be actionable with the police.

What is interesting though is after that conversation and matters concluded, the person felt it was a good idea to email me with demands and additional personal comments. This email would not be considered stalking either (I have explicitly told the person until I indicate otherwise they can email me) however the content of said email contained information that would later be confirmed to be an act of stalking.

Their message indicated a ‘friend had forwarded‘ something to them from my social media that they were not happy with. Problem is they have at this point indicated they have a friend that is forwarding posts to them, which is ‘stalking by proxy‘. Further, after checking third-party information I have determined that they viewed the information via social media. As any shared post on social media is not viewable by anyone blocked by the original poster this indicates they have circumvented access controls by creating/using an account unknown to me with the intent of bypassing said controls.

This is both and act of stalking and a violation of the Telecommunications Act.

The stupid part of this is they could have easily turned up at that social place I mentioned earlier in this article to make their demands (which would have been denied as they were unreasonable, I have instead put said reasons in the same place as the original post they have indicated they have also read so they can also read the update) and providing they were respectful and non abusive they would not have been told never to show up again.

Finally, if you are victim of stalking…

Anyone can be a victim of stalking. People who engage in stalking behaviour do not necessarily need to be related to the victim.

If you are a victim of stalking, you need to understand that you are not responsible for the behaviour of the stalker and that you should not be blamed in any way.  If you are a victim of stalking, you should report it to the police so that there can be an investigation.

If you have recently left an abusive relationship, you may be at risk of being stalked and you need to make sure you are aware of what to do if this occurs.

You may be a victim of stalking if someone is:

  • Repeatedly following or spying on you
  • Repeatedly calling your home and/or work
  • Repeatedly sending you unwanted or offensive emails, letters, text messages etc.
  • Leaving unwanted gifts or items for you
  • Vandalising or damaging your property
  • Threatening you or someone close to you
  • Repeated showing up for no legitimate reason at places you go to. For example, the gym, dinner with friends, shopping, movies etc

Stalking is a crime.  It needs to be reported to the police to prevent the offender from committing a more serious crime.

….as yet I have taken no action except to record communication in the event of the person escalating to threatening myself or others…

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Gas lighting: The Art of Changing Facts

It’s been a while since I blogged, but a recent experience alerted me to what Gas Lighting actually means, and that over the years I have been subjected to Gas lighting on more than one occasion, though in later years it seems to be getting more and more common.

The official definition is: Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a play and subsequent movie called “Gaslight.” In the movie, the devious husband, played by Charles Boyer, manipulates and torments his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, to convince her she’s going mad. 

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting can happen in many types of relationships, including those with bosses, friends, and parents. But one of the most devastating forms of gaslighting is when it occurs in a relationship between a couple.

For me the definition is slightly different, though essentially the same…

Gas lighting: the Art Of changing the facts (literally or by context change) throughout a conversation to support your point of view or “win” an argument….

In all cases it is known as “emotional abuse” (and it doesn’t matter if its deliberate or unintentional… it’s still abuse.)

If you are in a conversation or argument, and you think, “I didn’t say that” or “that’s not what I meant, it’s not the context I used” and you start questioning your own memory and/or sanity, you’re probably the victim of gas lighting…  either that or you are actually going insane… 

Spotting if you’re being gaslit..

You can usually tell which by the fact you start thinking, “I need to record conversations like this in the future” or the person you are conversing with starts “talking” (can be face-to-face or via one of the myriad of “instant” messaging services) really quickly or changing the subject really quickly and not allowing you to go back to what was said to clarify or correct, they may also try and invoke a “guilt trip” to get you to change the conversation into you defending yourself instead of challenging the new facts… It is also common (extremely common) for the abuser to accuse you of gas lighting them, or abusing them, or you are trying to do some form of manipulation on them.

Stopping this emotional abuse…

There are two distinct ways, both can be used, or either, both detailed below.

Getting professional help.

Talking to a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist about your concerns and experiences. They can help you sift through your doubts and fears and understand the realities of what you experienced. You’ll learn how to manage doubts and anxiety and develop coping skills.

Stopping the abuse yourself, if you can.

This is tricky if the other person is your partner as they will still want to control the conversation by making it face to face, but it still can be done with a little thought.

First: Stop the conversation and walk away…

If the person is face to face, do it literally, if they are ‘remote’ hang up the phone, block/mute the person on the text messaging app after telling them to take it to something you can refer back to, either email or an old fashioned pen and paper and write a letter…

What this does is ensure what is “said” can be easily referred to and “quoted” to point out to the abuser that the context or facts are not what they just changed them to, and ultimately show them the actual conversation/facts of what was said.

This is quite easy by email as you just have to ensure all messages you send quote your previous messages *and* theirs..  try to use “inline quoting” rather than reply on top. This makes it clear of the context of your words, what you are replying to (so that the other person cannot engineer a reply and use that reply in a different context.) If the conversation is an argument and you have to resort to written (pen and paper) replies, ensure you quote from previous letters by using, “in your later letter, you said…” and quote the *exact* words they use, because the first thing a gaslighter will do is accuse you of gas lighting them if you miss part of the item you are quoting and they see an opportunity to say, “I didn’t mean that” or “that’s not what I said”.

In all cases, the most important thing is continually fact check yourself, fact check what they said to you by referring back and quoting.

An example from my recent past, an abuser accused me of trying to manipulate their emotions by saying I was dying. To me this was incredulous and highly amusing because had I been face to face with the person, they would have quoted me as saying something slightly different, they would have been very quick to talk over me, and Im certain there would have been a “what ever, but” and the subject would be changed slightly to stop the challenge of the changing of facts.

It was incredulous, because this was a supposed highly intelligent person (who is not afraid of telling you that they are on the ‘spectrum’ and ‘way high IQ’) and they failed to spot I had closed down all methods of communication except email. I had done it quite deliberately after this “friend” had tried to manipulate me, and I had felt manipulated for sometime and after talking to a professional they suggested it… I just couldn’t work out how to do it without letting them know I was on to them… so when an opportunity presented itself I took it with open arms…

The conversation below is limited to just one of the manipulations and gas lighting they tried, because, like the person, the rest of details are now irrelevant (Note: the ‘test’ and “something new” is not the exact word use, as it is purely work related… however the punctuation and “if I pass” is a direct quote.)

It went something like this…

I said I was “taking a test, and if I pass, I’d be doing something new”… the reply came back a while later that I had tried manipulate their emotions by saying I was dying…

The reply came back: “Even now, you continue to bait and manipulate me IE: talking about you dying and moving.”

Classic example of what an emotional abuser will do, accuse you of doing the very thing they are doing to you… so my reply went back asking what the f*** they were talking about “dying and moving”…?

The response was swift and as I had already guessed, a classic example… it was this…

“You did mention moving and dying. Don’t be stupid and read over your own emails. “***** address is changing in three months” “if I pass” etc etc etc. it’s there in black and white. YOU fucking said that shit TODAY. “

My reply was as swift, I did debate just not replying, but as I had just proven clearly their abuse and I was never going to even speak to them again… ever… I figured a parting shot from me, can only do good, maybe they’d actually get some professional help (very unlikely, but you never know in the future when they look at how their past relationships with friends, co-workers and even partners ended and are trying to work out why they never last long and all go south, they may remember the email and seek help.)

I quoted the original conversation excerpt in full and replied, “That’s “if I pass the test” you blithering idiot.”… the moving part was something very similar, not going to put it in full here, but I will say, it was about needing paperwork only if moving, which was changed by the abuser into, “you said you were moving” … i hadn’t actually mentioned moving other than in the context, it’s not urgent as only will need it when moving.

Finally…

To finish, this is just one of the many experiences I have personally had to deal with over the years, at times I have literally thought I was going insane where I thought, “I didn’t say that!”, and “That’s not what I meant”… and I must be an abuser magnet because as you’ll know by my previous posts, over 10 years ago I was severely abused by a pathological narcissist… and I took to actually recording interactions as they were the picture of sweetness outside of the home and absolutely nasty as nasty can be behind closed doors.

I hope this helps you if you are either the abuser or the abused… just don’t do it.. its easy to do unintentionally as it is easy to do deliberately, and as an onlooker you can’t always tell which is which.

EDIT: Last thought….

If you want to determine the difference between an abuser and someone who inadvertently gaslit you… wait for the apology. An abuser will never apologise, and in many times they will accuse you of doing it to them, or even just gas light you about the whole incident. A good person, may or may not apologise because at the time of being caught out, they will likely be upset or angry and it will take time to realise what they did and apologise for it. Many times (with me for sure) by the time the apology is even considered it is way too late to give it with any intention of repairing any damage done. e.g. in the recent case, I don’t expect an apology as I am certain it was deliberate abuse, and if I’m wrong it won’t matter any how. I deliberately left it months before the challenge over the gas lighting, and so by the time they actually work out the truth of their behaviour, they won’t be able to contact me… either from their own embarrassment or the simple fact I will not be contactable other than face to face and if I see them coming I will walk the other way… because by that time they will be persona non grata in my circle.

EDIT(2): An Update… how the abuse can continue…

Surprisingly I got an email (rather than comment) in response to this article on Gas Lighting.

Unsurprisingly it was from the subject of the example demanding the article was to be taken down as it was about them. They supported their argument with the assertion that they have shown it to multiple people who agree it’s about them. Needless to say, I haven’t and won’t respond, the article is about Gas Lighting and not about any individual, and without showing emails and communications with third-parties there is no link to the subject of the example, either inferred or directly… I deliberately did not include details that would point to any individual specifically and out of misplaced respect for them.

That all said, I will now say a few words that will directly address things brought up in the email in a manor which is both anonymising and direct to show how the abuse can continue.

They started by quoting the original email which was the target of the changed context/facts and then continued to state “Both of those could be read as you threatening to harm yourself” … anyone who knows me (like this person alludes to) knows my days of self harm ended in hospital in 1994/5.. but apparently “everyone who’s seen that email agrees” … which unfortunately goes back to the the first part of this update that they are pointing the finger at themselves in respect to any inference that the post is actually targeted at themselves. They then go onto apologise but rather than actually apologise attempt to justify their position by referring to the very far distant past and how they ‘assumed’ it was about suicide. This is a tactic I have seen before in abusive relationships, and indeed non abusive (usually desperate) to try and justify themselves as why they did no wrong and how the target (in this case me) should forgive them for making a mistake. The psychology is quite simple, illicit doubt that there was a deliberate act then canvas guilt that the target got it wrong. This in many ways is similar to the changing of facts in gas lighting, but without speaking to a professional on the subject I cannot conclude whether it is actually just another form or not.

The email continued, and as per the usual tactic of abusers it stated one fact, but in the complete opposite of the actual course of events… Specifically, “you wanted me gone, I went” but as you’ll recall from further up in this article, I specifically cut communication where it was not recorded in a way that could be referred back to. In fact there was no ‘I want you gone’ mentioned anywhere in any communication at all, reality is the person was told (confirmed) that if they didn’t respond to me I would cut all lines of ‘instant’ communication and later consider them persona non grata. They didn’t, so I did. It was not something I wanted but something that was necessary for my own sanity…

…and now for the classic sign of abuse and manipulation…

The email goes on to reminisce on ‘good times’, then switches to a one-liner indicating I am abusing them, and how they are sorry that I am “feeling hurt and upset” (Note: no apology there, it’s trying to turn the entire conversation from their guilt to me being the guilty person.)

They then continue to profess their feelings and how they can’t work out why we’re not friends anymore.. which is quite simply yet another attempt to place the guilt (or loss) they are feeling for what they did on me instead of themselves. They them say about how ‘friends’ are forwarding this post to them, which is no doubt an attempt to deflect from a previous lie where they say they don’t know any of my domains/contact details… (in the unlikely event it’s true… they are not your friends!) They (the abuser), however forgets I have blocked anyone and everyone that knows both myself and them except for one family, who don’t actually know of this blog, let alone knows where to view it or would forward a post.

They also fail to realise I have been manipulated multiple times in the past and with age and time comes knowledge and insight. Those of us who seemingly accept the abuse, quietly and without argument are actually collecting and collating the abuse to be 100% sure before making our move. Sometimes it pays to be quite and listen to what is not said, rather than what is spoken.

The message to them is simple… The world does not revolve around you, this post wasn’t about you, but whilst you’re here… You got what you wanted, you said it yourself. When you’re ready, seek professional help and maybe you’ll realise what you actually did. Don’t leave it too long or you’ll find yourself in the same situation as Donna. That said, I personally expect by the time you do; I am sure I will be long gone as will your husband/employer/partner/whatever… (really I don’t know any more) …. In the event you actually seek help in the next few years, when you feel the time is right, you might want and be able to contact me. However, be warned though, lying is unacceptable, transference of blame/guilt/loss is unacceptable, manipulation is unacceptable, gas lighting is unacceptable, if that is on your mind or you think you can get away with it, don’t even bother… and to be honest, after what you have done, I don’t even know if I will ever want to know you again, let alone be friends… but I guess I’ll find out in the unlikely event you actually get there.

Parting thought: When one is given enough rope, many will hang themselves.

Music for the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Elk6NXBHjBg