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Abuse in relationships…

Introduction.

A friend recently asked about abuse in relationships, and didn’t know whether they had wandered into abad relationship. So after a discussion with them I pointed out a number of factors that could point to control or manipulation and therefore abuse.

The things discussed I decided I’d share with all, this therefore is the first part of many that I will write about over the next year, it is a personal view and certainly not the be all and end all, so if you find yourself thinking, “am I being controlled” have a read of the articles and if they ring alarm bells with yourself, talk to professional help about how you can get yourself to a better place.

If anyone finds these useful but would like to me to write on a specific topic, feel free to drop me an email here: michelle@shellsshots.com and I will attempt to provide general insight and research on the particular topic. First topic… financial control.

Abuse by Financial Control

The is very easily perpetrated both deliberately and accidentally where one person in a couple earns money and the other does not… e.g. husband and wife.

There are three main types a couple will control finances:

  • All money earned by both parties goes into a ‘joint account’ (and maybe a personal account each that money is shared out into.)
  • All money earned by both parties goes into their own personal account and some of that is shared
  • All money earned by both parties goes into their own personal account and financial responsibilities are shared but no money is shared.

Depending on where in the world you live will depend on whether one is more common than another, and indeed your relationship status (e.g. married or living together) will also have baring on your choice of sharing.

The list should be fairly self explanatory why each is used and how it does, but in the event of it not being quite ‘your fit’ I will explain:

All money earned is shared.

Quite simply all money you and your partner earns will go directly into a joint account, and from there all the bills are paid, shopping and groceries are paid etc. Some couples will also have their own (savings) accounts where a fixed amount (either directly or percentage of earnings) will be transferred out to their own accounts for ‘special items’.. e.g. treats for themselves, birthday presents for their partner, habits (like smoking) etc…

This type of arrangement is the most ideal as it gives full financial freedom to both parties whilst ensuring responsibilities to the household are met.

The two ways these are usually abused:

  • Where one partner will require the statements of the other’s personal account to checkup what money is being spent and where.
  • When the relationship breaks down, and either the account is emptied or frozen by one party to abuse the other.

The second reason given is the most common why people seem not to use joint accounts in this way.

All money is kept separate with a join responsibilities account.

This is the method where your wages/earnings are paid into an account that is your sole responsibility and you have an agreement to pay either a fixed amount or percentage of your earnings into a shared account.

This type of arrangement has a distinct advantage over the ‘All money is shared‘ method in that should things go wrong the other party cannot freeze your access to money. However, it also has the disadvantage that if you are not earning anything, you have no money that is not also shared. Of course it also suffers like all three methods if one partner is demanding details on payments made from personal accounts.

Personally I have had most of my relationships in this type of arrangement, those that weren’t where I was not living with the other person and the relationship had not gotten to the level where finances could be shared. This has been suggested at times that I could be controlling my partner (and indeed in some cases I was, blatantly, but with their full knowledge and reason (which is where I consider it not abuse.))

In my case, my partner was not earning any money and I was putting in a non insignificant amount of money into the joint account for them to take care of responsibilities, like paying for food, petrol, buying clothes etc. The problem for my partner of the time was that there was not enough money to get a lot of clothes, or to buy designer items etc.. I had to point out to them on multiple occasions, that out of my personal account, I was paying the rent/mortgage, car loans, personal loans for joint items, household bills (water/electricity/phone etc) and the actual amount of left over money after putting money into the joint account was less than the money I put in the joint account. This was very controlling and I was constantly aware of it and even though I knew they had the better end of the deal I constantly felt guilty about it. The situation changed after a couple of years as loans got paid off and my partner got work (and therefore started contributing) and the situation ended up with spare money in the joint account and several thousand in savings in each of our personal accounts.

I never ask my partner what they are spending their personal money on, and they never ask what I am spending on either, however, to give an idea of how it works… I smoke and drink, I buy all of my vices from my personal account. I buy presents from my personal account. If I want a new phone or computer I buy it out of my personal account (well not exactly.. but will explain towards the end.) My partner does the same, except they rarely drink and don’t smoke but they do like their designer label clothes, so they buy them from there.. they also want plastic surgery so again, they are saving money to pay for it from there.

Completely separate finances.

This type of financial arrangement is usually what you see at the beginning of any relationship, but often it continues even after marriage. When it is mutual agreement (as in both parties have said, they want it this way, not one wanting it and the other not or being persuaded against it) it is fairly safe from abuse. Like the other two arrangements the classic abuse sign is when one partner will demand the see what the other is spending money on.

It does have an advantage in that at the end of a relationship everything becomes quite easy to separate and its difficult if not impossible to abuse the other by ‘cutting them off from their own money’… however it is also the most easily abused where one partner is working and the other not (regardless of whether the relationship has ended or is ongoing.)

The problem and abuse, quite surprisingly to many, can come from either side of the relationship:

  • The partner not earning can demand, manipulate, control the person earning by constantly playing on the fact they have no money of their own and how they are doing things for their partner all the time. This ‘doing things’ can be anything, like cooking, cleaning, looking after children or even sexual favours.
  • The partner earning can control and manipulate the person not earning into doing things they don’t want/like to do by withholding money unless their wishes are fulfilled (this you, the reader, probably guessed already.)

A note on business accounts.

To add a complication to these seemingly simply ways to abuse are when there is a business account brought into the equation. Business accounts are used for business things (obviously) however in many countries (e.g. Australia) they are also used in a legal tax avoidance method, and illegal if you don’t know the rules. In Australia, there are two main types of business an individual or couple will own, either a straight ‘ABN’ which is basically the same as being self employed, or a ‘ACN’ which is where there is a legal company entity. Any ACN will also have an ABN, an ACN is where the company name is followed by ‘Pty Ltd’ and is similar to the UK where you have ‘limited companies’ these are companies that have been setup with shares and have limited liability, but are privately owned and not on the stock market. ABNs are used more like a ‘trading as’ so the money earned and any liabilities come back to those listed as the owners. Each has its advantage and disadvantage when it comes to tax and responsibilities in regards to those with financial interests… talk to a financial advisor and accountant about what is better/safer for you and your circumstances. However, something to beware of and can result in some extreme forms of abuse is where one of the couple owns the shares in the business and the other does not work for the company but gets tax breaks from it. This is mostly illegal and can result in severe penalties including jail.

For example if one partner has a company car, phone, computers etc and uses them for personal use they have a FBT (Fringe Benefits Tax) liability. It is not uncommon for the abuser to fail to mention it, and then use it as leverage at a later date. Similarly if one spends money from a business account (that are not wages of employees), the law requires the money is viewed as a loan and has to have a specific payment plan with interest specified etc.

The biggest lesson here, and something my accountant warned me of just last week, if your partner gives you a corporate card (credit or debit) you MUST ensure you only use it for things directly related to the company.. and you must be ready to prove it to the tax office. You could end up in court facing fraud and/or embezzlement charges (both of which carry jail time for first offenders) if you cannot. Charges can even be laid if you have used the card for company business if you are not an official employee, though it is rare for this to happen, and usually will only occur when the ‘owner’ says the payment was unauthorised. An example of how you can cross the line is if you own a car dealership, purchasing a camera and computers would be completely expected, however expensing food and travel to locations that don’t relate to the delivery or purchase of a vehicle for the business will be questioned. Similarly running an online business (such as mine) purchasing $2000-3000 worth of designer clothes would probably be ignored the first time as I would need professional clothing for meeting business partners and customers, however if I was doing it every month, I would expect to be audited very quickly. In summary, if you are in a relationship where your partner has a business and you are spending company money, make sure it’s on only company related stuff and you are either a shareholder or employee of the company otherwise you could be in serious trouble when you don’t do as you are told.

Finally…

The key to knowing whether there is manipulation and therefore abuse when it comes to finances is communication. If one person is controlling the money and examining where it is going, it doesn’t automatically mean there is abuse… especially if the finances are tight. However, if money is plentiful (who has this nowadays?!??!) and a person finds them having the explain every purchase or beg for money its at the other end of the spectrum and most likely abuse. If you communicate with each other and things are explained and you know where and why purchases can and cannot be made then even if money seems ok it maybe your partner is just trying to keep it there.

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Stalking, what it is and what it is not…

So many years ago many of you will know I was stalked to the point it affected my mental health and left me in fear of violence being perpetrated against me. Now I recently had someone use the excuse “I didn’t want to be accused of stalking you” as a reason not to communicate, and then later actually partake in stalker like behaviour (jury is out if they will actually move to stalk me.) So I thought I’d write this post about what stalking actually is and isn’t.

First the legal definition:

From https://www.police.nsw.gov.au/crime/domestic_and_family_violence/what_is_stalking

Stalking is a crime. It is an offence under the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007.  Stalking is defined under this law and includes:

‘the following of a person about or the watching or frequenting of the vicinity of, or an approach to a person’s place of residence, business or work or any place that a person frequents for the purposes of any social or leisure activity’.

Stalking involves a persistent course of conduct or actions by a person which are intended to maintain contact with or exercise power and control over another person. These actions cause distress, loss of control, fear or harassment to another person and occur more than once.

Stalking can involve threats or sexual innuendo and the stalker generally tries to intimidate or induce fear in the person they are stalking. The person being stalked may only realise they are being stalked once they identify a pattern of strange or suspicious incidents occurring, such as:

  • phone calls
  • text messages
  • messages left on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter etc.
  • notes left on the their car
  • strange or unwanted gifts left at their home
  • an awareness that they are being followed
  • being continually stared at or gestured to by another person.

The person being stalked can often develop a sense of loss of control over their lives and can be forced into changing their routine and behaviours.

What this means, and cyberstalking.

Basically, in very simple terms, if someone is engaging in following someone either in real life or ‘online’ they are likely to be stalking them… However, doesn’t that mean all our friends are ‘stalkers’ … no obviously it does not, there is the prerequisite to stalking, the stalker must be doing the following without permission. Friends have inferred consent and therefore the any following is not stalking. Similarly if someone follows your public posts on social media or a blog (such as this one) it is not stalking.

What is stalking though is if the person(s) following the posts have been told to stop their actions (very difficult to prove) or if they circumvent access controls to ‘follow‘ posts. This means that if you explicitly block someone on social media, and the person uses a second, unknown to you, account they are guilty of stalking. Similarly if they get a friend, relative or partner to view your posts and then relay the information to the person blocked this is stalking by proxy (legally ‘aiding and abetting an act of stalking‘.)

What stalking isn’t is the act of a person going to a place, social, home or other to communicate with another person, providing:

  • They have not been told previously to stop (i.e. the ‘stalkee’ has told the ‘stalker’, I never want to see/speak/communicate with you again.)
  • They don’t show up in any place where a reasonable person would consider it inappropriate. (e.g.turning up at a work place where they can reasonably visit a home and knock on the door.)
  • They have a reasonable excuse to communicate (e.g. if there is a child involved and some illness or injury has occurred.)
  • Emailing someone about an issue as a preference to seeking them out physically. (Note: emailing someone constantly can be stalking, this comes down to intent and frequency. Legal matters (attempts to resolve) are not stalking, but if you have a lawyer you should let them handle it as any direct contact can have legal implications. Matters about property or children (e.g. where custody is involved) etc are not usually stalking offences unless the ‘stalker’ has been explicitly told to cease contact… Using such an issue such as custody to include another matter such as comments on their personal lives, however are riding a very thin line than can turn either way, especially is the ‘issue’ is frivolous.)

Often issues of stalking come up where two people share the same area and make unwanted contact due to close proximity. This is often seen by the person that thinks they are being stalked as a stalking incident. It often is not… For example, if a couple splits and they both live in the same small town/village, it is quite reasonable to expect that they will be in the same physical location from time to time (e.g. a supermarket) What would be stalking though is if one party moves to another area and travels to the location of the other to visit services (again, e.g. a supermarket) where there are the same services local to them. Similarly if the person that feels they are being stalked changes services used/visited to avoid the other, and the other suddenly also changes to match their habits, this is very much stalking.

A recent issue of stalking…

A recent issue with me shows clear misconception of what constitutes and does not constitute stalking. I recently warned someone, via a third party, if the continue their actions, I would cut all social contact. They continued, I blocked their phone number, I ‘unfriended’ and blocked their social media accounts. They then did not contact me, as any good person wouldn’t, however there was an unresolved issue of property that had to be returned (in both directions.) I initiated email contact, which the resulting conversation was not pleasant to say the least, however it resulted in meeting twice where the second meeting was more level-headed and respectful on both parties. The last of the property (that I care about) was returned and I returned the remaining item that I was unable to locate previously.

The conversation that followed though brought up the comment about stalking. I had told the person that they could have contacted me if they had wished. They indicated they could not have as I had them blocked on all social media and messaging apps (phone SMS). I replied, they could could have emailed, could have knocked on the door of home, or failing wanting to travel the 25 minutes highway drive to my home they could have turned up at a couple of venues they know I frequent at a specific time and day of the week most weeks. They responded that they could not as this would constitute stalking. It would not… A single visit to communicate about the exchange of property is not stalking. In fact, based on their assertion the third-party had not given them the message (which I have since determined is actually a lie), turning up to have a reasonable conversation would not have been an issue as I had no issue with this person. If however, I had at that time or later told the person never to turn up again, any future acts would be actionable with the police.

What is interesting though is after that conversation and matters concluded, the person felt it was a good idea to email me with demands and additional personal comments. This email would not be considered stalking either (I have explicitly told the person until I indicate otherwise they can email me) however the content of said email contained information that would later be confirmed to be an act of stalking.

Their message indicated a ‘friend had forwarded‘ something to them from my social media that they were not happy with. Problem is they have at this point indicated they have a friend that is forwarding posts to them, which is ‘stalking by proxy‘. Further, after checking third-party information I have determined that they viewed the information via social media. As any shared post on social media is not viewable by anyone blocked by the original poster this indicates they have circumvented access controls by creating/using an account unknown to me with the intent of bypassing said controls.

This is both and act of stalking and a violation of the Telecommunications Act.

The stupid part of this is they could have easily turned up at that social place I mentioned earlier in this article to make their demands (which would have been denied as they were unreasonable, I have instead put said reasons in the same place as the original post they have indicated they have also read so they can also read the update) and providing they were respectful and non abusive they would not have been told never to show up again.

Finally, if you are victim of stalking…

Anyone can be a victim of stalking. People who engage in stalking behaviour do not necessarily need to be related to the victim.

If you are a victim of stalking, you need to understand that you are not responsible for the behaviour of the stalker and that you should not be blamed in any way.  If you are a victim of stalking, you should report it to the police so that there can be an investigation.

If you have recently left an abusive relationship, you may be at risk of being stalked and you need to make sure you are aware of what to do if this occurs.

You may be a victim of stalking if someone is:

  • Repeatedly following or spying on you
  • Repeatedly calling your home and/or work
  • Repeatedly sending you unwanted or offensive emails, letters, text messages etc.
  • Leaving unwanted gifts or items for you
  • Vandalising or damaging your property
  • Threatening you or someone close to you
  • Repeated showing up for no legitimate reason at places you go to. For example, the gym, dinner with friends, shopping, movies etc

Stalking is a crime.  It needs to be reported to the police to prevent the offender from committing a more serious crime.

….as yet I have taken no action except to record communication in the event of the person escalating to threatening myself or others…

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Site fixed…

It seems that over the years of the seemingly constant WordPress security updates, the registration system was broken at some point, when they forced all SMTP connections to use ‘STARTTLS’ even when not needed (e.g. connecting to a TLS only port). A minor patch restored previous functionality and now the registration system and therefore the ability to comment has been restored.