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Is Your Friendship Or Relationship Nothing More Than The Result Of A Saviour, Martyr or Victim Complex?

This article deals with the second of two very emotional subjects and states which whilst are separate conditions/issues are extremely closely related, and in my unqualified non professional opinion, one can lead to the other and can be exploited by abusive people intentionally or unintentionally. The first article covers Trauma Bonding.

The Victim Complex

At its core, the victim complex involves someone viewing themselves as a victim of their life events. They often express that bad things always happen to them, claim that they have no control over their life, and don’t take responsibility for things they do. The motives for a victim mentality are often unconscious, but can also be conscious and deliberate as a method of manipulation and/or path to Trauma Bonding.

The victim mentality provides people with a sense of safety and validation. As the victim, they don’t have to take the blame for their actions, they get attention from the people around them, and they are validated by support from others. However, by putting the responsibility on others, they sacrifice their own control and ability to act. They rely on others for their self-worth.

For example a claim I heard that strikes of this very issue:

A claim was made the “victim” had a “traumatic miscarriage” because they were at a music concert and got pushed around/crushed by the crowd. They claim to have a diagnosis of PCOS, and claim they were being raped by their “husband” on a regular basis. However one has to ask the following questions of the “victim”:

  • If you’re being raped, why didn’t you report said rape to the authorities?
  • Why didn’t you leave?
  • Is the alleged rapist the father of the child?
  • Does the father even know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage?
  • If you knew you were pregnant why were you there?
  • As a “professional photographer” why were you in the crowd and not in front of the barriers like other photographers?
  • Why did you tell the pop stars/artists and not those supposedly close to you?
  • Does the father even know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage?
  • In the 6 months past said incident and you have moved some 5 hours (by road) from the alleged rapist, why have you voluntarily been back for sex on more than one occasion?
  • Why after finding a new place to live a new partner and a new job why have you still not reported the rape to the authorities… 6 months later?

I did ask some of these questions, the answers got I still do not understand and for privacy I will just say, the “victim” abused me for questioning their events and spent a great deal of time and effort lying about their new job, their new partner, where they are living, studying etc. I have no clue to why they lied so persistently as I wasn’t the “rapist” however, by the time of me asking some of the questions i had come to the realisation I needed to make changes in my life, and they didn’t involve this person. Since then it has been suggested I might have or be suffering from a Martyr Complex.

As a discerning reader you probably realise i might know a little more about this “victim” personally than just it being some random claim, well they were a close friend and are now an ex-friend, and that is the way they will permanently stay. I may have a touch of Martyr Complex dealing with them, I’m working on that.

With both martyr and victim complexes, a person relies on others for their validation and reward.

They constantly sacrifice resources against their own self-interest. A martyr takes on the role of the hero. ‌People who use martyr behavior tend to have good motives for doing so. Sometimes, they may be forced into the role of a martyr because of their environment. People in service-based professions may develop a martyr complex.

The Martyr Complex

Martyr complex behavior differs depending on the cause.

Minimizing accomplishments

They may dismiss their actions, saying it’s not important when they make sacrifices. They do it for the good feeling of making the sacrifice and not for the praise of being recognized.

Being the hero

The idea of the “hero syndrome” can serve as a sign of the martyr complex. They may often play the hero and do everything theirselves, solving everyone’s problems without complaint.

Lacking self-care

No one can pour from an empty jug. If they’re in a situation where they are constantly giving and letting their own personal health slip away, they are likely exhibiting the patterns of a martyr complex.

Seeking chances to sacrifice

Similar to the victim complex, a martyr looks for opportunities to step into harm’s way. They may search for instances or create ways to make those sacrifices.

Having unrealistic values

A martyr may view their actions as an expression of how much they care. They may feel that if they’re not working hard for people every day, it means they don’t love them enough.

Getting Help

The martyr complex is often deeply embedded into their lifestyle. This makes it hard to address and care for. They can take steps to shift their thinking away from being a  martyr and toward taking care of themselves. For example:

  • Find/Join or start a support group (this doesn’t have to be complex specific.)
  • Invest in themselves by setting aside time and resources for things they enjoy.
  • Devote time for their physical health.
  • Devote time for their appearance and well being.
  • Journal and express gratitude for themselves and others.
  • Spend time with friends and family in environments where they don’t need to help anyone and can just enjoy each other’s company.

From a personal perspective I joined a number of Social Media chats, and started going out to concerts and events, started putting on make up again, bought some new clothes, even bought a new car. I gave up smoking (1st Sept 2023) and mostly gave up drinking (from 7th Sept 2023) – mostly being a glass of wine with dinner some nights instead of before which was a bottle of wine every night without fail.

This has mostly helped, however the “victim” which my “martyrdom” was intertwined with has severe narcissistic traits and took it upon themselves to continuously bait and attack me in the very Social Media Chat groups that I was using to help break said bond. This resulted in me voluntarily leaving “Queers Down South” as i found the administrators of the group to be friends with the perpetrator of the abuse, which enabled further abuse, and therefore made the space not safe for anyone like me (breaking their own first rule.)

The Savior Complex

According to the blog PeopleSkillsDecoded.com, the savior complex can be best defined as:

“A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”

Many individuals who enter into caring professions such as mental health care, health care and even those who have loved ones with addictions may have some of these personality characteristics. They are drawn to those who need “saving” for a variety of reasons. However, their efforts to help others may be of an extreme nature that both deplete them and possibly enable the other individual.

What Is The Saviour Complex?

The savior complex is a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.

There are many sides to a saviour complex and it has many roots. One of its fundamental roots, in my experience, consists in a limiting belief the saviour person has that goes something like this:

“If I always help people in need, I will get their love and approval, and have a happy life.”

This is of course, a nice sounding fairytale, because often, in real life, a saviour will have such an unassertive way of helping others that instead of becoming grateful, they get used to it and they expect it. They feel entitled to receive help from this person, simply because they need it and they’ve always got it.

On top of this, similarly to the Martyr Complex they’re always putting other people’s needs first, this makes a saviour not take care of their own needs. So while they may feel happy because they are helping others, at some level, they feel bitter and frustrated at the same time.

The underlying belief of these individuals is: “It is the noble thing to do.” They believe they are somehow better than others because they help people all the time without getting anything back. Do you have any idea how dim-witted this is? There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while you are starving at a psychological level. If our ancestors would have willingly done so 50,000 years ago, our species would be extinct.

While motives may or may not be pure, their actions are not helpful to all involved. The problem is that trying to “save” someone does not allow the other individual to take responsibility for his or her own actions and to develop internal motivation. Therefore, the positive (or negative) changes will likely only be temporary if at all.

Getting Help

So how do you avoid the “saviour” trap with relationships and friends?

  • Slow down decision making and/or responses to issues enough to be mindful of choices and/or responses.
  • Say “maybe” or “no” before saying yes in order to give yourself time to weigh options.
  • Process emotions with friends, and family, reach out to support services if you don’t have friends or family you can process emotions with.
  • Set boundaries with other individuals that allow you to balance caring for them and helping them vs trying to “save” them.
  • Reach out for support from a therapist or coach in order to receive an objective assessment of your interpersonal issue.
  • Let your loved one or friend take responsibility for their actions.
  • Do not work harder trying to help/resolve the issue than your friend or loved one.
  • Do the best that you can do to support the individual and then “let go” of the results.

Possibly as important if you are the person being “saved” by someone and you recognise they are trying to “save you“, you may need to review the above and suggest to your potential saviour that you appreciate them trying to help but that is not the best way forward.

Being a saviour is neither noble nor practical.

Final Notes

This is the second article dealing with Victim Mentality, Victim, Saviour and Martyr Complexes which narcissists can also use as a method of manipulation and pulling you into their control (See: Covert Narcissism) I have been on the receiving end of at least two narcissists in my life, and have ended up even questioning myself to see if I am a narcissist.. I know I was accused of being one by one of the two i have had relationships in my life. However, a favourite quote of mine in relation to this very issue and usually where i face up to having seen this behaviour and explained it away multiple times (never learning it seems):

Whereas a typical narcissist thinks she is better than others because of her innate qualities, a covert narcissist with a martyr complex (aka a Martyr Narcissist) justifies her sense of superiority with the “good deeds” she does for others.

So she gets to be on a high horse at all times, seeing other people as selfish ingrates who are ultimately unworthy of her “gifts.”

More often than not, covert narcissists with a martyr complex seriously overestimate their goodness. They exaggerate the importance of things they do for others, and resent people for not measuring up to their twisted standards.

They think they’re selfless and giving, when in fact they are completely self-serving.

They are also master maniuplators.

Finally, if the above, any of the above rings alarm bells with you, or you get that deep feeling in your gut that something is disturbingly similar. Get a second opinion, get help, talk to a professional, and above all you need to be honest with yourself and the professional you are getting help from. If you are the perpetrator of the narcissistic behaviour just being honest with professional help is the first step to a better life for you and those around you. If you continue lying to others, you are just lying to yourself and you are writing a future of pain, and loneliness as narcissists never find true love. If you are the victim of a narcissist, you can try to get them help, but ultimately they have to get the help themselves, if they are not willing to do so… RUN!

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Is Your Tightest Friendship Nothing More Than A Trauma Bond?

This article deals with the first of two very emotional subjects and states which whilst are separate conditions/issues are extremely closely related, and in my unqualified non professional opinion, one can lead to the other and visa-versa. The second article covers Victim Mentality, Saviour and Martyr Complexes.

Trauma Bonding

Is Your Tightest Friendship Nothing More Than A Trauma Bond?

If ever there was a time when it is recommended that you read an article when you’re in a pretty good mood (meaning, not easily triggered) and you can be uninterrupted so that you take some time to process all that’s been said, this would be it. If you are a victim you will find this article applies to you, and expect an ‘Ah-ha moment’ ..

I mean, who ever really goes into a relationship or friendship, thinking that it is to be based on some form of trauma? And yet, whether a lot of us want to accept it or not…that is exactly what some of us do. Often. In part, because we don’t get what a trauma bond actually is and/or how to avoid cultivating one before we find ourselves feeling wounded, heartbroken and/or devastated.

And here’s the real trip of it all. While I’ve experienced a few trauma bonds with past romantic relationship (that I have written about 10+ years ago), often folks don’t realise that where they tend to be highly prevalent is in platonic situations. When your close friendships are toxic, that tends to affect, infect and negatively influence you in ways that you don’t even realize—until you break free, and even then you may question your own self worth and wonder if it was you all along.

What Exactly Is a Trauma Bond?

” Trauma bond” is the kind of phrase that’s used so much that it has taken on a lot of meanings. While I do personally think that an extension of a classic trauma bond is when two people connect on nothing more than unhealthy habits and/or brokenness and/or toxic personality traits (which means they aren’t building on anything healthy, purposeful or meaningful), that isn’t what a true trauma bond is all about.

A trauma bond is when a narcissist finds a victim to bring into their world and then manifests a cycle of abuse that becomes so unbelievably insane that:

1) it’s hard for the victim to even grasp what is going on, and

2) even once they do, they don’t really know how to get out.

Keeping this in mind, in order for a trauma bond to make even more sense, we should break down what some traits of a narcissist actually are.

A narcissist will generally have these traits:

  • Needs constant praise
  • Is an ego maniac
  • Intimidates and belittles others
  • Is apathetic
  • Makes everything be about them
  • Feels envious of others
  • Is obsessed with power, beauty and/or success
  • Is a snob (thinks only certain people are “qualified” to be in their intimate space)
  • Idealizes relationships in a way that is unrealistic

To explain, “needs constant praise” is very easy to spot as everyone likes some sort of praise and validation, however when you that to other things in the list it becomes more of and issue. “is an ego maniac” this can be quite difficult to see and realise in some people, others it can be “punch in the face obvious”, the less obvious ones tend to be those that who when put in a group of people will end up being “top dog” or “team leader” even if it is clear that is not their roll. It follows on to the intimidates and belittling of others, to gain the position of “top dog” they will identify any threat to their position and undermine them often in very subtle ways. They will almost always turn nasty or “walk way” from a team or group if their tactics don’t work. Unfortunately, and conversely when they succeed in their attack on another member and force them to leave or accept a different position within the group they will be empowered to attack others who may challenge their assumed authority.

Another big red flag (something the Donald Trump example below shows) is how they will be apathetic to you in a conversation about your problems, but will manipulate the conversation to being about them. This can be rather disconcerting if you see it, you will come away from a conversation where you confide in that person something that is disturbing you (eg, your job, your partner, your health etc) and they will over a very short time of conversation turn the entire conversation in to being about them and there will never be a “back to your issue” moment. Any attempts for you to steer the conversation back to your problem will result in an apathetic response. (As an amusing aside it would be interesting to me to respond in an identical way to the person, and see what happens.. i.e. two narcissists trying to one up each other.)

The classic narcissist always is envious of others, particularly the power, beauty and success of others, this leads to their obsession with the same and often will use tactics of putting others down in their target obsession to make themselves “more successful”. In the case of them meeting someone who is publicly considerably more successful they will move to the final red flag, they will idolise any relationship with that person in an unrealistic way. For example, groupies referring to their pop idols as friends just because they liked a photo they posted to social media.

A prime example of a classic narcissist is Donald John Trump. And while there are a billion and one reasons why that man has been able to get away with as much as he has, a big part of it is because so much of the USA politically is trauma bonded to him. For whatever the reason, they initially found him to be charming and/or funny and/or intriguing, he manipulated that, then proved himself to be nothing that he promised. Yet, because certain folks made him up to be something bigger in their own minds, they remained loyal anyway. They remain trauma bonded.

OK, but how does this all happen? Outside of political mayhem, how can people who seem to be really smart and self-aware still find themselves caught up? That’s a really good question.

How Do So Many of Us Get Caught Up in a Trauma Bond?

When it comes to how a person either becomes a narcissist or involved with one, it typically has to do with one’s childhood. Oftentimes, narcissists grow up feeling abandoned or not properly nurtured in some way, so they create a really toxic way to self-preserve and self-persevere.

On the other hand; a victim of a narcissist can often be because they were raised by a narcissist this is because as children, we want (and deserve) to be loved. It is also my belief that narcissism is learned behaviour and therefore a child exposed to a narcissistic upbringing can learn the behaviour as normal, and therefore propagate the behaviour. The obvious problem at this point is telling victim from perpetrator, and in my experience (having now been exposed to two definite narcissists) is that the perpetrator having been a victim knows just how to use victim blaming and transference to hide/divert attention from their own abuse of their victim to make it seem the victim is abusing them.

So with that breakdown, it might make sense how you can have a tight trauma bond with someone who you consider to be a really close friend. However, if that friend is a narcissist, then already something is “off”. That said, do me a favor and think about the people who you consider to be in your inner circle. Do they have a huge ego? Do you find yourself praising them as they belittle you? Do you have moments when it seems like they are a closet hater or envious of you (check out: Five signs your friends are envious of you)? Are you way more “into them” (committed, devoted, supportive) than they are into you? Do they not seem interested in understanding what you need and how you feel?

Deeper still, have you not even really stopped to consider all of this because, up until now, the amount of time, effort and energy that you’ve put into the relationship has caused you to keep enduring what they are dishing out because you’ve chalked it up to being “That’s just how they are” with a dash of ill-defined loyalty to them and the friendship?

Matter of fact, have you even stopped to ponder if you’re even happy and fulfilled in your friendship? Because unfortunately, a lot of us seem to feel like that way of thinking should only be reserved for romantic relationships (or perhaps even professional ones), when the reality is you deserve to be happy, fulfilled and nurtured in every single relationship you’ve got. So, if all you and yours have are “all these years”, no matter how much you love and care about them, not only is that not a good enough reason to remain in the relationship, chances are, you are subjecting yourself to abuse—a trauma bond.

If this is the case, suggesting that you quit the relationship will usually result in a disproportionate response (eg: they will immediately suggest the way forward that full blocking on all forms or social media and never to speak again etc..) Whereas when you actually do terminate the relationship they will attempt to hold on to it for as long as possible usually by lies, deceit and by not returning any property borrowed… this will over a short period of time get more and more abusive the more you attempt to resolve any outstanding issues until finally you will be in a position where for your own safety you will need to walk away and block said abuser from all forms of communication. You will then find if you have any shared groups of friends or organisations you will be systematically attacked/provoked and isolated until you find you have no other option but to leave said groups and friends.

What Does a Trauma Bond Between Friends Look Like?

If some of this is rattling you a bit and you would like a little more info, just to be sure, here are some signs that you could have a trauma bond with a so-called friend:

If your friend:

  • Guilt trips you into getting you to do what they want you to do
  • Uses manipulation to get what they desire
  • Makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable in some way and, if you bring it up, they not only attack you for doing so but find a way to make you feel like a bad person for even mentioning in.
  • Rarely takes accountability and responsibility for the wrong that they’ve done and, if they ever do, the remorse seems fake.
  • Never wants to deal with real issues within the relationship.
  • Has unrealistic expectations and/or are hypocritical in the sense that they expect you to do what they are unwilling to do in the friendship.
  • Is never wrong
  • Is hypersensitive and/or super defensive most of the time.
  • Is self-righteous.
  • Hurts you, deflects, and then hurts you again (especially if it feels like a pattern)

While none of us are perfect (and anyone who feels otherwise about themselves; they too could easily fall into the narcissism demographic), if you’ve got someone in your life who you could easily check off 3-5 of these traits—while it might be a bitter pill to swallow, you very well could be involved with narcissist. Not only that but you could very easily be trauma bonded to them as well. Of course if you can checkoff 7+ Its pretty much a certainty (for example one recent one for me checks off at least 8.)

A clear sign that there is some trauma bonding going on is if you read this, you feel a pit in the bottom of your stomach, and yet, your immediate inclination is to defend your friend or the dynamic rather than figure out a way to actually grieve the reality, heal yourself and set up some firm boundaries. It is also as likely you will be reading this and thinking, “thats what they said about me” or “was I doing that?”

I speak from personal experience when I say that, being in a relationship with a narcissist is a vicious cycle that absolutely will not change until:

  1. they are forced to face some consequences of their actions, and
  2. they get some assistance from a reputable counselor or therapist.

Please never forget that it’s pretty close to impossible for a narcissist to heal on their own because they’ve got to be humble enough to recognize that something is wrong with them and humility is a trait that narcissists simply do not have.

How to Heal from Breaking a Trauma Bond.

So, what are you saying, Meesh? If I’ve got a trauma bond with someone, I need to cut them off.  No, I don’t necessarily recommend that you be as “abusive” to a friend as they’ve been to you. What I will say, though, is if it is now abundantly clear that you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, why would you want to keep them in the honored and privileged space that really belongs to those who are going to love you right and well?

You, however, should take some time away from the “friend”, so that you can figure out what you want and need, what the counterproductive patterns have been and why you tolerated their bull**** for so long, and even whether you want to allow them in your life at all. It can help to journal out where you think your codependency in this area stems from and how long it’s been going on. If you do decide to keep them around you need to establish firm and necessary boundaries with them in order to protect yourself from further harm. It can also be smart to come up with your own definition of what a real friend means to you.

Something I have done in the past for romantic relationships (usually part of counselling) is creating pros and cons lists. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t do the same for a friendship as well as it is just another form of relationship. So for the friend who you think you are so close to and love so much, figure out the great things about having them in your life and the not-so-awesome ones. 

Ask yourself if you’re “in this” because that’s just the way it is because you are afraid of what life looks like without them or you don’t really have any other friends but that friend. If any of those reasons resonate, give yourself permission to accept that they simply aren’t good enough. You should never remain in a friendship merely out of habit, fear, or loneliness. Besides, it’s not until you remove yourself from your emotional abuser that you can get into friendships that are better for you anyway. Also be acutely aware, that often narcissists (particularly the paranoid narcissist) will isolate you from any friends and family so you have to rely on their “friendship” and their friends.

The second article I am writing referred to at the very start covers the Victim Mentality, Saviour and Martyr Complexes which narcissists can also use as a method of manipulation and pulling you into their control (See: Martyr Narcissism)

Shout out to xoNecole as a considerable amount of this article comes from there.