Michelle's Blog

Today was a long day, most of it spent wandering the streets of Sydney looking for “new toys”.

This evening though was set to be more fun, a couple of friends invited Michelle out for a meal, yes that’s right, invited Michelle. Well who am I to get in the way, of course I would go.

The evening went quite well, and we started by getting something to eat in the Green Chillies Thai Restaurant very nice meal, and if you want to surprise the staff, order your meal in Thai, especially if you have a thick Anglo-Australian accent.

Later we went to a small pub down Oxford Street, which was known as a gay bar, and we played pool in the back. It was really nice, as most left us alone, and those who didn’t paid compliments. Isn’t it strange how in a “normal persons'” bar “normal people” are not friendly, they are often obnoxious and rude, and yet in a gay bar (I do hate that term, but I don’t know of a replacement, “alternative lifestyle bar” just doesn’t cut it), everyone is friendly, no matter how “normal” or not you are or appear to be.

The interesting issue of the evening was the use of the Ladies rest room, two young girls, obviously physically older than their real ages, commented in loud voices, “nice to see so many *FEMALES* around here”, multiple times. I ignored them as they were obviously oblivious to the type of bar they were in, and the fact that many of the gay couples of both genders frequented that particular restroom throughout the night.

The interesting thought it left me with, is that even though I am officially a pre-op transgendered person, and therefore legally entitled to use the Ladies restrooms, externally people cannot tell the difference between a cross-dresser/transvestite and a pre or post op transgendered person when they still have some male definition in either face, hands or other parts of the body.

The day was uneventful, and Michelle was not seen as most of it was spent driving.

This morning I awoke, later than usual, and so happy nothing could upset me.  I went to the plenaries and
had a silly and permanently affixed grin on my face, so much so that some of the girls in the organising team commented that I was looking like I was the happiest person on the planet.  You know what… I was, I am, and I know now that as Michelle I will always be.

The conference closed without me winning anything, so the new me is the same as the old me in that respect, I never win anything. 😉

Tuesday morning started with me very upset. I phoned Ally and had a chat, she suggested it might be the change in medication and that I should make a point of seeing the doctor as soon as I got back home. I agreed, but was a little more skeptical as I knew the events of the previous day.

The day was uneventful, and at around 15:35 I decided to go shopping for the evening in Pacific Fair. Still down, I was not really in the mood for shopping but was determined that I was going to get something for the evening so that I could enjoy myself. It worked, I came away with a very soft and fluffy Pink top, some extras if needed and a new bra (one that will hide what is growing and stop the discomfort when running).

Having arrived back at the hotel at about 17:00 I recruited the help of Tanya and Sue to get ready. Sue had already told me that she has been a professional makeup artist and offered to help me with the make up. I had a hard job getting ready as I was still not happy, but I did and when Sue was finished I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I almost didn’t recognise myself, no longer was I a man in womans clothes but a confident young(ish) woman. I felt ready to take on the world.

The evening started with drinks by the pool where I was greeted by friends who commented about the outfit and the make up. I was accosted by a few people who wanted nothing but to ask lots of questions and talk to me. It seems that my decision to be conservative on the first night may have not been the best way to go as going the whole hog seemed to encourage many to come and talk to me or to offer complements.

The pre drinks finished as we all migrated to the ballroom for the Gala Dinner.

I won’t go into the details of the dinner or what was said or who said it, but everyone watching me there has to agree I was the happiest girl on the planet, thanks to those around our table, particularly as a certain young(ish) man was quite insistent that I sit next to him for the dinner.

After the evening’s entertainment “Tripod” had finished, some of the delegates got creative with the glow sticks that were given out at the beginning of the evening. For example Tanya put them in her hair as a new style. Other delegates used them as necklaces, or bangles (as I did), and one young man decided to create little chains and put them around his wrists, ankles and neck as shackles. I couldn’t resist and the result was that I paraded him around the ballroom in his shackles with more chains attached as a leash, whilst offering him as a slave for the day. I didn’t get any takers, but I did get a lot of laughs and the number of people wanting to take photos was phenomenal. My favourite photos were taken slightly later in the bar with Tanya and are here and here, the scary (in a very good way) thing is looking at the photos afterwards I actually think I look more like my sisters that I do the old me.

All in all, that night, I couldn’t be a happier person ever (well with the possible exception of when I married Ally and when Aaron was born).

This has to have been my worst day so far, in fact I’d even suggest that it was my worst day in ten years.

The day started as sullen as I had a slight headache (read: hangover) and I was still feeling upset over the conversation in the bar the previous night, and the fact the receptionist had referred to me not as Michelle, but “Mr” etc.

The conference itself was good and up to the usual standard, but later in the day my plans went awry.

The beer drenched slacks were stained and smelled so I washed them, and of course they did not dry. The blouse I had bought was a very small 16 and therefore the wrong size leaving only the top of the previous night to wear. I decided to do some more shopping and to see if I could get the next size up in shirt. Unfortunately that didn’t happen as it was 17:00 before I even got near the car. The shops were closed and as the evening party was due to start at 18:00 I knew there was no way that I would be able to go as Michelle.

I found the whole idea of not being Michelle very upsetting.

During the evening I was approached and asked that I remove all reference to two people from this blog as neither wanted to appear in it. Tanya commented afterwards that the person couldn’t have been more blunt if they had tried, personally as I am also very blunt I didn’t find that a problem at all.

What I will say here though, is if there is anyone that doesn’t want their name to appear, now or in the future, please email me, leave comments, come and tell me or phone me, I don’t care which and I will respect your choice, but please don’t get or let someone else express your feelings to me as that is what hurts more than anything. I will never publicize someone’s full name, only their first name and where possible I won’t even allow a reference to be inferred to the place of work, except by those whom also work in the same place or who have known me personally enough to know where I have worked.

At the end of the evening I had spoke to Jackie, who gave me some honest, and truthful advice, but not some that I wanted to hear. The basics was that I should have come to the conference as either Matthew or Michelle, not both as it is confusing for some and is likely to cause problems. Of course in my usual form I disagreed as I feel that the conference, whilst might not be the best of venues, is a good the friendly and social place to introduce the new me, to my peers and colleagues.

As I will not be Michelle full time until after Ally has said that she wants to see Michelle, there is no way I can be Michelle for the conference as this would be more confusing for people. Being Michelle part-time has resulted in those who met Michelle for the first time, going away with the confidence that in the short term Matthew will be helping them with their problems, not Michelle.

The result of the conversation left me feeling sad and down.

To top it all off I sat in the bar and I seemed to end up one of the last there, and was chatting about life to another delegate and he asked about the new me, life, triggers etc. This put me in a silly mood and I don’t know whether it was the hormones, the wine, the conversation, missing Ally, or what, but I was brought to tears thinking about Dad and what his reaction would have been, and the silliest part of all, how Ally and I took Cookie our pet rat to the vets to put her down after a progressively worsening brain tumor took over. I couldn’t even go into the vets as it felt like I was murdering an innocent life, and I bawled my eyes out. When I recalled the event in the bar, I did exactly the same thing again. How silly is that?