Michelle's Blog

Tonight was an interesting night, completely unplanned, and the result was a phone call and confession to Michael my brother. In some ways it was quite funny, I said, “do you want to know the hard way or the easy way?” He said, “the hard way”, so I gave him the the location of my favorite photo and he was surprised and said, “temporary or permanent thing?” I responded with, “permanent”, he said nothing and continued to talk.

A little further into the conversion and it became obvious he thought it was me joking around, and I stopped him and said, “you realise I’m not joking, the doctor has diagnosed me as gender dysphoric and I’ve been on HRT for the last three months”. He was stunned for a short moment and continued as if his brother tells him life changing facts every day…!

The conversation was long and covered a lot of the same ground multiple times, but it was good to talk. We also agreed that I should tell Mum before she gets here, rather than when she’s here. I’m still in two minds about it, because I want to be with her when I tell her because she’ll probably worry otherwise, but the other thought that people have is that if I wait until she gets here, she might feel trapped where she doesn’t want to be.

It is worrying me how quick and accepting he is of the whole thing, but comments like, “what ever happens, you’re still blood and we love you”, are comforting.

I think telling Mum sooner rather than later is going to be for the best in the long run.  I’ve just got to work out how, and what to say… not an easy task.

Well this is just going ot be a short update. After lots of tears, and talking, Ally has said she is not going to stop the transformation from Matthew to Michelle.

Now all I have to do is fix the bickering that people have been doing at work. It’s very childish and irritating. A project manager that wants the technician to project manage, another person that wants everything done yesterday, even though he’s been told the customer is working out when they want the change done. What is wrong with these people? We are a customer facing service organisation, the customer comes first, not when ever we can fit them in.

Well this page is possibly the last I write. Ally sent me a long email last night, and it has left me very upset, and may spell the end of Michelle. I will do anything for her, and so I have left the ultimate decision to her.

The mail said lots of things, some I knew some I didn’t, the general gist is that she considers Michelle to be the same as having an affair, and with a person she does not want to meet. She has said she wants to move out for a while to collect her thoughts, and that might be a permanent thing. I have asked her to be honest with herself as well as me, and if she really wants to go, not to live with a friend for a while to get used to it but just to go and to say so. I’ve also told her that I love her and that if she really does hate Michelle that much, and that she does really love Matthew, that I will stop the medication (permanently) and allow nature to take it’s course. Of course that means the end of Michelle, and probably the end of Matthew as well, but she gets to make that choice not me.

I might put in the details of the last few days, but I really don’t feel like it at the moment.

All that know of this blog, I wish you well, and if you need to get a hold of either Matthew or Alison, you can using our first names at the isux.com domain, which we own.

Update:

Lots of tears last night, and at the moment, Ally is still telling me to take medication so she hasn’t asked me to stop.  For those with the question, it’s not something I want to do but it is something I will do if I have to to keep Ally (and it’s something I expect I’ll regret for the rest of my life if I do).

Today was pretty uneventful.  I got up, dressed in a set of trackies and a T-shirt and got ready for the dive.

The pictures of the dive are on Matthew’s Photo Page but my favorite is of a rather playful seal.

The afternoon brought another session of hair straightening (I can tell why people don’t make a regular habit of it).

The evening we all decided to go out to the Bay, and settled on the Starfish Deli. The service was a lot better than previous, in that the staff were friendly and helpful.  The food was excellent, when it eventually arrived.  Unfortunately someone forgot our order and we sat very hungry and slightly cold for over an hour.  On the plus side though when the mistake was realised the staff fell over themselves to correct it, and didn’t charge us for either the food or the wine throughout the evening.

Again the staff pleasantly surprised me by continually referring to Tanya and I as ‘ladies’ or ‘girls’.  New South Wales is a world apart from Queensland it seems.

Well this morning was not a good morning, the Androcur must be wearing off within 24 hours now.  The half dose seems not to be enough for my body, because within 24 hours of the previous dose I can feel the effects of the Testosterone again.  I can’t help but think that I would be better off back on the Spironolactone, but the doctor is persisting with the Androcur, so who am I to argue.

Today I nearly hurt someone in a car park over something very silly and trivial.  This is not good and I can only put it down to Testosterone as I am not normally like that.  Ally got very angry with me, and we had a little bit of a barney in our local bank, something else that is not usual for me, it left me feeling like taking a jump off the balcony (three floors up).
This afternoon it was time to go diving, and I left Ally at around midday to head to pick up Tanya and her dive gear.  I had asked Tanya to straighten my hair so that I could get ready for this evenings barbecue before we left so this delayed our leaving Canberra.

Following a suggestion from Ally I decided to move the medication from an evening take to a morning take, and I decided to do this in two stages.  First day would be take the medication at around lunch time, the second day on target at breakfast time.  This would also mean that over the weekend I would have a half dose every 18 hours instead of every 24 hours.

The trip to the coast was uneventful, however Tanya commented that the medication was working she said, “I know your medication is working, you’re not tailgating or speeding.”  What can I say to that?

We arrived in Batemans Bay in a few hours, and went to the “bottle shop” (drive through off-license for the English).  We parked and walked in, a bottle of wine and a litre of milk on the shopping list.  I was pleasantly surprised as the young lady store person came to us and asked, “Can I help you ladies?”  This, after my Royal Pines experience was a pleasant surprise.

Arriving at the Dive Lodge, I was greeted by those I know, and treated exactly as normal, without anyone saying a word.  What a pleasant surprise!