Michelle's Blog

Well today was pretty much a blur, it started in Brisbane City along with a 90 minute $28.00 parking permit (that’s more expensive than London City!) and finished at Chris'(1) place eating Indian and having a good chat about lots of things.

In the middle was a session at Helga’s House of Pain, aka getting a leg and chest wax at The Beauty Boudoir, while I was there I got my eyebrows waxed, for the first time. All I can say is, “Wow!” what a difference getting the brows tidied and shaped makes, the question is why didn’t I do this before even as a man?

As an interesting aside, as the waxing was being done I was talking away (nothing unusual there) and it turns out that I am the first transgender person they have known, or has come into their shop. I find that rather surprising, especially considering their close proximity to The University of Queensland. Not that university students are transgender, just that in todays society with a high concentration of young individuals it would be statistically probable that there would be an number of transgender people in the locality.

This evening was my visit back to see Chris(1), which I was looking forward to as the previous encounter didn’t go so well. The evening started quietly and in a predictable sort of way, we sat and talked, he seems to want to understand what it is that I am, why I’m doing it, and why would anyone do it.

The conversation was long and protracted as Chris(1) suffers from a mental condition where he does not remember anything he can not understand. As he cannot understand (yet) what it means for someone to be transgender he is having trouble even remembering some of the more important parts of the conversation.

Of course the usual questions came out throughout the conversation, for example:

• What am I going to do about toilets.
• What are my work colleagues going to do.
• What does Ally think.
• Is Ally going to stay or leave.
• What are my long term plans.
• How long does it take.
• Am I going to have surgery.
• Am I gay, or a lesbian, or what.
• …etc…

Of course most of those are easy answers, and I have covered some previously. The hard part was explaining everything in a way that Chris(1) could relate to, so that he could get that level of understanding he needs to be able to deal with it.

Later we ordered Indian from A Night In India, which the food was uncharacteristically disappointing, and continued chatting until I decided I needed an early night when I left.

I left a lot more positive than the previous occasion as I am sure that Chris(1) is a lot more happier in himself, even if he doesn’t fully understand it yet.

Well today was a day of surprises, for others as well as me. I visited my old stomping ground, The University of Queensland, and told a few former colleagues.

Chris(2), my last boss there, was surprised that it was me saying it, but was very curious and interested in the whole aspect. Wilber, was surprised, but in a quiet sort of way.

The most astounded and speechless has to be poor Scott, I suspect it is a subject that he doesn’t know how to handle quite so well, though the answer may be as simple as he was extremely busy, as usual and didn’t have the time to think about it.

By far the most excited person, and the best reaction to date has to be Roy, I sort of dropped it on him as I gave him the URL of this blog, told him to read it and went to lunch. A short while later he came and found me congratulating me, and just had this brilliant smile and totally positive and supportive attitude.

The most interesting statement of the day has to be that of Eric, before I had said anything or shown this blog, I said, “I have a secret I should share with you”, and he replied, “if it’s a statement about your real gender we don’t want to know.” So I said, “ok”, thinking that someone had told him. It didn’t take Eric long to ask what is it really, and I showed the site. He was initially confused and kept asking what it was about, and I replied, “it’s about me”. He initially didn’t grasp the concept, then when he did he was speechless, before finally saying, “well congratulations, that is if congratulations are the correct term for it?”

It has been a real long day, and I am quite exhausted. I have booked to get waxed tomorrow, and am going to get my hair cut and styled. What a shock that was… $372 for a cut and colour… wow, jeepers, crikey! I was expecting half that, but I have to admit in the past I have just done as little as possible for as much of the time as possible. The results have not always been pretty, but they have always been practical.

I think I might take some photos of before and after because the general feeling is there will be a massive difference in my appearance following my little beautifying sessions. Will post them here some where if I choose to go that way.

Well over the last couple of days I have been driving to Queensland (it’s a 1000km and 12-15 hours, so yes a couple of days). Food hasn’t been good so I’m sure that I will have put on weight, it’s such a shame that the only food available on a journey seems to be fast food crap. Why can’t some of the nicer, more healthy fast food places get themselves on the sides of freeways? For that matter, why can’t they put those vast mall’s and supermarkets that you see in the USA and UK along the main freeway, I could have easily pulled off into one of those, went to visit the food court and gotten something reasonable to eat.

Enough ranting, about time I moved to probably the worst reaction to date, my friend Chris(1). I got to Queensland got checked in, unloaded the car, then as Matthew, decided to go out and orient myself with the area again. When I had driven around for 15 minutes I decided to pop in a see my friend Chris(1).

Funny fellow is Chris(1), has had a lot of issues in the past, and I wasn’t helpful to him at one point, though I have tried to be since. I went to his flat and knocked on the door, and when I got no answer decided to give him a call to make sure I got the flat right, and that he hadn’t moved. He answered, I asked, “Hi Chris, you still living in the same place?”, he replied, “Yes, why?” So I said, “well I’m standing at your front door and you’re not answering it!”

He came and let me in. He indicated that he was about to go out so hadn’t got long and so we sat and talked for a few minutes. I told him I had something to tell him and asked if the iMac on the table was connected to the Internet with the intention of showing him this site and leaving him to have a read later, when he got home. That was my biggest mistake to date, whilst others have found it enlightening, and in lots of ways better than me rambling before blurting etc. Chris(1), unbeknown to me, had previously had a bad experience with someone “coming out“. I won’t go into great detail here, for a couple of reasons, one is that it’s not an experience of mine, it’s third-hand via Chris(1), and two I don’t know the girl and she certainly doesn’t know me. The long and the short though is a very good friend of Chris(1), came out by turning up one day in a skirt and announcing he was now a she. Chris(1) did not handle it well at all, and from what he has said it appears that from that day to this, he hasn’t spoken to the person. That must be very hard on the person themselves as well as Chris(1), I can’t imagine how I would feel if any good friend of mine just stopped speaking with me very suddenly and without warning. That said, I can’t imagine me turning up in a skirt and announcing to my closest friends, “I am now Michelle.”

I am seriously considering turning up to the AusCERT conference cocktail party next week in something that will make a statement, whether that be a skirt or just slacks I’m not sure yet. I will have to see how it goes, and how many people I get to prewarn before the evening itself.

So after that I left his apartment with a bad feeling, and thoughts that I might have triggered some dormant problems in Chris(1). It’s not good for either of us to feel that way and for that I can only apologise to Chris(1).

On the upside, I got a phone call from Chris(1) late in the evening, which was after he had returned from his evening out, and we talked. He said that his problem is that he cannot remember, process or take in, anything he does not understand. He said for example, being gay is a very clear cut, well defined meaning, and he can understand that. He said, had I announced I was gay, rather than TG/TS he would easily have been able to cope. This provided me a little insight in to what he was going through so I asked him to think upon this thought, “what did you want to be when you grew up?” His reply was a meteorologist , which was kind of funny because I did as well, but I replied, “I wanted to be a woman.” With this he was a bit taken aback and asked me to explain more, so I replied, “I wanted to be a woman, have kids, be a house wife etc.” It’s worth noting that all is true, because I wanted to be a meteorologist and a computer programmer as well, I didn’t say that to Chris(1) though because I didn’t want to confuse and already confusing situation

Chris(1) didn’t understand fully, but the comments he made after, indicated that he was getting the idea of how, and why I am what I am.

I won’t try to repeat the conversation in full as it lasted over one hour, and a lot of the detail given was personal to him and would not serve any purpose to repeat here. I can say though at the end of the conversation he has invited me back on Tuesday night to have a chat, some pizza, some beer or wine (which I will have to decline as should not drink alcohol). This I think is the most positive outcome that could have happened and I am looking forward to it. I do hope he can cope with it, I really haven’t changed who I am, I am just changing what I look like.

Adam, a colleague and a friend, his reaction to reading this blog was to smile, occasionally chuckle and nod.  After he finished reading, he turned to me an said, “Uh huh.  I wouldn’t have picked it either.”  That has to be one of the most non-eventful reactions to date, and too be honest, was nice.

Interesting though, when you tell people something like this, the first comments after the initial reaction seem to be them telling you something, I don’t know why, but it’s been that way with nearly everyone.  Perhaps any psychologists reading this could enlighten me.  Turns out he has had one or two issues himself, including a tumor and stroke, and I never knew, so I learned today something myself.

Well it was the last day at work today for a couple of weeks as am on holiday.  Ally and I talked for a while as I had actually packed and was ready to go already.  I told her that I would be happy if she came up, but asked that she give me some notice as I will be Michelle for most of the time.  She’s  little concerned that I am going as Matthew and will come back as Michelle, I have assured her that I will be doing some things, like a wax, and a hair cut/style, but when I return I will be Matthew again.  She seemed relieved, which I can’t understand because I have told her from the beginning that I will not let her see Michelle until she explicitly says she wants to.

Well unfortunately that was the reaction of my good friend Jim from work, he did later apologise for the remark. He didn’t offend, and realized the mistake either by my face, or by the realization. It was quite amusing in some ways, and disappointing in others. Guess I really should explain that comment, but I can’t, so I won’t try.

He did admit later, “I’d have never guessed”, and of course I wouldn’t have expected him to.

The day today was very busy, the little time I got to chat was short and productive, I look forward to talking to him later, specifically as he commented a level of experience in such matters. The friend to friend comments and small chat were interesting, he made the same comment I have done previously…. “The majority of problems seem to relate to the use of toilets.” What a way to start a comment, eh? The trick is I know what he means, and I suppose that I should really explain how I feel about it all.

I will dress as I deem appropriate, and within dress code for work. Whilst I continue to be dressed male I will use the male toilets. At the point in time that I turn up for work in a skirt, whether it be subtle or part of a suite, I will use the womens toilets. I don’t expect it any other way, and I would be offended if others suggested that I should use one or the other or neither. People I think fear the unknown, and to them I am the unknown. Prejudice arises from fears, and that leads to another world of pain for all involved.

Please remember people, we are all human, just because someone wants to be a member of the opposite sex it does not mean they are any different to you. You might want a tattoo, or a belly piercing, others will not. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you or those other people, and on the same thought there is nothing wrong with me. Consider, if you will, a tattoo is for life and it is nothing that should be done on a whim. You should choose a tattoo that you like and that you want because you have to live with it for life. I have made the choice of a lifestyle as a member of the opposite sex, and believe me when I say, it is not something I have done lightly. I implore you to not even begin to think you know what I have had to put myself through unless you too have thought about changing sex, you really don’t and cannot understand.

Jim, I know you’ll read this, your face was a picture, and you didn’t offend me with the first comment, don’t worry. I guess I should have been a little more direct at first rather than pointing you to this site, but hey, it worked for Shawn.