Well today was the day that I came and admitted to the person I love the most in the world that I wanted to be a woman, and had wanted to be a woman since as long as I can remember.
Poor Ally, she was stunned and shocked, I hated telling her, but I also realise it is something that had to be done.
So what’s new you might ask? What’s the history?
The earliest age I remember vividly is around 5-7 years old and I was fascinated with my sister, and occasionally tried to do what she did. Of course this often was embarrassing, and was severely frowned on. My father was not a religious man, but he had strong values and did not understand (or perhaps just did not accept?) gay people, black people, ‘queer’ people etc… for this reason I learned to hide what I wanted to do and be very carefully.
At 14 I was nearly caught wearing stockings suspenders, a mini skirt, bra and blouse, at that point I stopped everything and buried my desires in heaps of emotional layers and blocks.
At around 24 my desires came to the surface again, and I persuaded my girlfriend of the time to ‘swap clothes’, she agreed, I loved it and she laughed, not in a happy sort of way, but more of a ‘piss take’ sort of way. The damage was done and for several years more I did not repeat.
Some time in 1997/8 when I was 29 years old I was living alone in London, working at Netscape Communications, and was able to purchase some items of clothing and I dressed as I felt whilst at home. I even invited others over, from the internet whom had various reactions to how I looked (particularly as I wasn’t looking much like a girl, more a bad example of a man in drag).
In 1999 I met (well re-met) Ally and I fell head over heals in love, we got married some time later on the 29th Feb 2000. I buried my feelings again, all too easily.
Last in the time line, and around 2005 the feelings and desires started coming to the surface again, and with my position and connectivity to the Internet it wasn’t long before I had created myself a complete wardrobe. I soon started being a woman in every way I could, which wasn’t much, but it did prompt the piercing of my ears, laser hair removal of my beard etc.
In October 2007 I decided that I wanted to progress and decided that I would take a small step and eradicate testosterone in my body. I did lots of research eventually finding the Inhouse Pharmacy and Spironolactone I researched dosages and side-effects settling on 100mg per day for the first 3 months increasing to 200mg per day. I know this is silly and that I should have gone to the Doctor, but at this point I was not ‘Out’ and didn’t want to set into motion anything that I wasn’t prepared for.
Well for some time I have enjoyed dressing as a woman, and making myself look like a woman, and going out when I can as a woman. How Ally never found out I can never guess, but she is/was not suspicious of anything I do, and really she has/had no reason to be.
So what happened? Well the lack of testosterone has been wonderful, the aggressive, arrogant Matthew has been replaced with a more thoughtful and quiet Matthew, I still get angry, and frustrated with idiots, but I’m no longer wanting to hit people.
I decided about a month ago that I should start a regime of HRT, and like an idiot I still didn’t see the Doctor, what I did was research, read, note, compare, and I came up with a plan which fitted broadly across transformations of most others I could find. This was to add progesterone and estrogen to mr medication regime and ‘see how it goes’. Well it couldn’t be better, and a month after doing so, today I plucked up enough courage to talk to Ally.
How do you tell your wife that you love dearly and have for 8 years that you want to be a woman? Well simply, have lots of alcohol, sit down, stutter, and blurt out “hunnie, I’ve been keeping a secret for nearly 40 years… I want to be a woman”. Silence ensued, as one would expect, no tears, no shouting screaming or punching etc, just silence. Those few seconds, probably the longest in my life.
On that note I’m going to finish this entry, as we talked a little then went to bed.
PS: For anyone with medical training, doctors etc, I have read very carefully all side-effects of the 3 medications, and alerted friends to watch for them, in fact the only part that a doctor could do which I cannot is blood tests to ensure the correct dosages are actually getting in, especially as I am tall (6’1″) and reasonably heavy (90kg). I am also watching my diet, ensuring that I have enough fluid, not eating potassium rich foods, both of which can cause nasty complications if not checked.
For anyone reading and thinking about getting on HRT, don’t be an idiot like me, see a doctor, I am going to the doctor later this month after the trip to AusCERT 2008.