Author: Mhix

Today I met with James (my boss) and Dy (HR). Dy is a lovely woman, very forward, and very “strong”, she asked if I minded talking on a personal level, to which I replied that I’d be happy to. She also made a point by starting with, regardless of what happens how far you want to go, or not, the Company will support you in any way you need, ok?” Personally I expected that as they really have to regardless, but it’s nice to hear it, and there was something in Dy’s voice that said, “I really mean that on a personal level, not just what I have to say as HR”, which was good and put me more at ease. James sat quiet for most of the time.

I won’t bore you with the details, but I basically told Dy a little history, and that I had no plans on big changes, in fact I’m not planning on Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) as I have accepted that I can never be a woman, and I see little point in mutilating myself, as it will never make me a real woman.

That statement of course is likely to raise alarm bells with some psychologists and/or psychiatrists but it’s me being honest, you know the he’s not sure issue. I couldn’t care less about my sex organs, they don’t donate who I am; to be a woman, I need a womb and to be able to give birth, and that is currently impossible to resolve. I am happy doing HRT because it will give me boobs and the laser hair removal will make it easier to look like a woman. I’m not going to go for breast implant surgery, as that will not make me a woman, the HRT will allow me to grow my own, and I will be happy with what ever size they get to naturally. Does that make sense to you the reader, do you understand how and why I feel like I do about surgery? (I’d love to hear comments). I will make an exception to the no-surgery choice though, I will probably get my adam’s apple reduced in size, at some point, as it really protrudes.

Anyhow back to HR, Dy chatted a little while and indicated that she is a trained Psycologist, and should I want to talk to someone she’s happy for me to give her a call at any time.  This I might do, though not for some time, I am happy within myself and am quite happy talking about it now.  I didn’t tell them that I have self prescribed the HRT, as it will not help, and unless someone runs to tell them by the time they learn I’ll be under the care and prescription of my doctor.

I told Ally about the meeting with HR, and what was said on the way home.  Ally seems a little happier today, it could be just settling down, and it could also be nothing to do with me, only time will tell.

This evening at home it was interesting, we talked a little more and I asked Ally if she would do my nails (I don’t seem to be able to get my right hand nails right no matter how hard I try).  She agreed and we talked a little more, and I showed her some of my collection of nail polishes etc.  She was surprised in some ways, but not in others, no doubt a case of ‘where did he hide all this stuff’.  I painted her nails with a nice Gold colour on her request.  Personally I don’t like the colour because it seems to always be a not-quite-a-match to skin tone and therefore to me it doesn’t look right.

Ally was thoughtful and quiet.

I asked her if she’d paint mine, and she said, “not to night it’s too late”.  I know this might be pushing her, but I can’t help but feel it will help her open up.

This morning was a work day as usual, and I decided in my infinite wisdom (not) to tell my boss.  I figured I’d better as I was noticing changes relating to the medications (whether that’s the HRT or just the lack of testosterone I don’t know).

I chose my time and spoke to James (my department manager), again, how do you tell someone that has known you for some time?  We are both SCUBA divers in the same diving club (Indepth Scuba), and it is going to be a shock to most as I have given no clue, and I am not effeminate etc…  Well it was surprisingly easy, I sat in his office, and said, “James, you know I talked to you about, some medication that I was on and that it might effect my personality and mood?  Well what I didn’t tell was I’ve always wanted to be a woman and they are to assist with that.”  Oddly enough (well really not surprising), a similar startled look and awkward silence followed.  James broke the silence, saying, “Well I can honestly say, I don’t know what to say about that.  Can you leave it with me as I think I need to call HR (Human Resources) because this will affect you at work.”  I said, “sure fine” and proceeded to tell him that changes wouldn’t be  immediate and I wasn’t about to turn up in a skirt or anything like that.

Later, James came back to me and asked if I minded meeting with Dyanne (Dy) tomorrow as she will be here with the VP of AsiaPac and she wants to talk.  I said sure, just put an appointment in the calendar.

I picked up Ally from work at pretty much the usual time, and told her that I had told James, and she asked why had I said something this early?  I replied saying that I really needed to in case of emergencies etc, and not forgetting that I am cleared to a High Security Clearance and as such I either have to have secrets that no-one knows or I have to be open about what I am, do and feel.  This is one of those things that whilst I hadn’t told a sole, it could be kept secret, but as soon as someone knew I had to tell the various Agencies to reassure them that no-one could blackmail me into divulging secrets (not that I would anyhow, but they have to weigh up the risks and someone with a little secret that they don’t want to get out, is a blackmail risk).

I also told her about Dy from HR coming tomorrow.

Probably quite understandably I have been feeling a little insecure over the last couple of days, and so I have been cuddling up to Ally a lot more than usual. Today Ally called me a limpet, and asked if I was going to be like this every day from now on?

I don’t think she realises by not talking to me in detail about it so far, I am feeling insecure, I know that it’s my own fault and all that and I shouldn’t expect more, but it is really hard for me not knowing what she is feeling. I want to re-assure her that I love her, and I want to be with her at all times. Is this really wrong?

I caught Ally having a little cry this morning, first time I had seen it, and I was upset myself, she wiped her tears and said it was nothing as I saw her. It worries me that she is bottling this up, and I have suggested that she talk to someone, me, her friends, a counselor, anyone really, just to talk about it.

What can I do to help?  Just being patient and letting her find her own way is one of the hardest things I am having to do.

Today is the day after so to speak. Both Ally and I have headaches, mine no doubt because of the copious amount of alcohol consumed for the dutch courage. Ally’s, well, probably the lack of water, but could also be the disturbed night sleep as we laid together talking until 3am

Comments she has made that are concerning and/or upsetting:

• I have never felt attracted to girls an any way.
• You should have come to be before starting the drug, that you didn’t makes me feel betrayed.
• I don’t know how I feel, I haven’t thought about it a lot.

The simple fact that she didn’t go skyward, and hasn’t shouted and screamed is heartening in many ways, it’s also concerning

This morning we went to Con’s place (Cafe Charisma) for breakfast as usual, and we talked more on the way. I assured her that with the exception of what the drugs will change in my body, I will endevour never to let her see me as a woman if she doesn’t want to. That might be a big call for me, but my love for her still overwhelms any desires. Sheer fact of reality is if she asked me not to go with the HRT, I’d probably forgo it regardless of how good it makes me feel

The day, otherwise, was pretty uneventful.

Well today was the day that I came and admitted to the person I love the most in the world that I wanted to be a woman, and had wanted to be a woman since as long as I can remember.

Poor Ally, she was stunned and shocked, I hated telling her, but I also realise it is something that had to be done.

So what’s new you might ask? What’s the history?

The earliest age I remember vividly is around 5-7 years old and I was fascinated with my sister, and occasionally tried to do what she did. Of course this often was embarrassing, and was severely frowned on. My father was not a religious man, but he had strong values and did not understand (or perhaps just did not accept?) gay people, black people, ‘queer’ people etc… for this reason I learned to hide what I wanted to do and be very carefully.

At 14 I was nearly caught wearing stockings suspenders, a mini skirt, bra and blouse, at that point I stopped everything and buried my desires in heaps of emotional layers and blocks.

At around 24 my desires came to the surface again, and I persuaded my girlfriend of the time to ‘swap clothes’, she agreed, I loved it and she laughed, not in a happy sort of way, but more of a ‘piss take’ sort of way. The damage was done and for several years more I did not repeat.

Some time in 1997/8 when I was 29 years old I was living alone in London, working at Netscape Communications, and was able to purchase some items of clothing and I dressed as I felt whilst at home. I even invited others over, from the internet whom had various reactions to how I looked (particularly as I wasn’t looking much like a girl, more a bad example of a man in drag).

In 1999 I met (well re-met) Ally and I fell head over heals in love, we got married some time later on the 29th Feb 2000. I buried my feelings again, all too easily.

Last in the time line, and around 2005 the feelings and desires started coming to the surface again, and with my position and connectivity to the Internet it wasn’t long before I had created myself a complete wardrobe. I soon started being a woman in every way I could, which wasn’t much, but it did prompt the piercing of my ears, laser hair removal of my beard etc.

In October 2007 I decided that I wanted to progress and decided that I would take a small step and eradicate testosterone in my body. I did lots of research eventually finding the Inhouse Pharmacy and Spironolactone I researched dosages and side-effects settling on 100mg per day for the first 3 months increasing to 200mg per day. I know this is silly and that I should have gone to the Doctor, but at this point I was not ‘Out’ and didn’t want to set into motion anything that I wasn’t prepared for.

Well for some time I have enjoyed dressing as a woman, and making myself look like a woman, and going out when I can as a woman. How Ally never found out I can never guess, but she is/was not suspicious of anything I do, and really she has/had no reason to be.

So what happened? Well the lack of testosterone has been wonderful, the aggressive, arrogant Matthew has been replaced with a more thoughtful and quiet Matthew, I still get angry, and frustrated with idiots, but I’m no longer wanting to hit people.

I decided about a month ago that I should start a regime of HRT, and like an idiot I still didn’t see the Doctor, what I did was research, read, note, compare, and I came up with a plan which fitted broadly across transformations of most others I could find. This was to add progesterone and estrogen to mr medication regime and ‘see how it goes’. Well it couldn’t be better, and a month after doing so, today I plucked up enough courage to talk to Ally.

How do you tell your wife that you love dearly and have for 8 years that you want to be a woman? Well simply, have lots of alcohol, sit down, stutter, and blurt out “hunnie, I’ve been keeping a secret for nearly 40 years… I want to be a woman”. Silence ensued, as one would expect, no tears, no shouting screaming or punching etc, just silence. Those few seconds, probably the longest in my life.

On that note I’m going to finish this entry, as we talked a little then went to bed.

PS: For anyone with medical training, doctors etc, I have read very carefully all side-effects of the 3 medications, and alerted friends to watch for them, in fact the only part that a doctor could do which I cannot is blood tests to ensure the correct dosages are actually getting in, especially as I am tall (6’1″) and reasonably heavy (90kg). I am also watching my diet, ensuring that I have enough fluid, not eating potassium rich foods, both of which can cause nasty complications if not checked.

For anyone reading and thinking about getting on HRT, don’t be an idiot like me, see a doctor, I am going to the doctor later this month after the trip to AusCERT 2008.