The drive, then probably the worst reaction to date…

Well over the last couple of days I have been driving to Queensland (it’s a 1000km and 12-15 hours, so yes a couple of days). Food hasn’t been good so I’m sure that I will have put on weight, it’s such a shame that the only food available on a journey seems to be fast food crap. Why can’t some of the nicer, more healthy fast food places get themselves on the sides of freeways? For that matter, why can’t they put those vast mall’s and supermarkets that you see in the USA and UK along the main freeway, I could have easily pulled off into one of those, went to visit the food court and gotten something reasonable to eat.

Enough ranting, about time I moved to probably the worst reaction to date, my friend Chris(1). I got to Queensland got checked in, unloaded the car, then as Matthew, decided to go out and orient myself with the area again. When I had driven around for 15 minutes I decided to pop in a see my friend Chris(1).

Funny fellow is Chris(1), has had a lot of issues in the past, and I wasn’t helpful to him at one point, though I have tried to be since. I went to his flat and knocked on the door, and when I got no answer decided to give him a call to make sure I got the flat right, and that he hadn’t moved. He answered, I asked, “Hi Chris, you still living in the same place?”, he replied, “Yes, why?” So I said, “well I’m standing at your front door and you’re not answering it!”

He came and let me in. He indicated that he was about to go out so hadn’t got long and so we sat and talked for a few minutes. I told him I had something to tell him and asked if the iMac on the table was connected to the Internet with the intention of showing him this site and leaving him to have a read later, when he got home. That was my biggest mistake to date, whilst others have found it enlightening, and in lots of ways better than me rambling before blurting etc. Chris(1), unbeknown to me, had previously had a bad experience with someone “coming out“. I won’t go into great detail here, for a couple of reasons, one is that it’s not an experience of mine, it’s third-hand via Chris(1), and two I don’t know the girl and she certainly doesn’t know me. The long and the short though is a very good friend of Chris(1), came out by turning up one day in a skirt and announcing he was now a she. Chris(1) did not handle it well at all, and from what he has said it appears that from that day to this, he hasn’t spoken to the person. That must be very hard on the person themselves as well as Chris(1), I can’t imagine how I would feel if any good friend of mine just stopped speaking with me very suddenly and without warning. That said, I can’t imagine me turning up in a skirt and announcing to my closest friends, “I am now Michelle.”

I am seriously considering turning up to the AusCERT conference cocktail party next week in something that will make a statement, whether that be a skirt or just slacks I’m not sure yet. I will have to see how it goes, and how many people I get to prewarn before the evening itself.

So after that I left his apartment with a bad feeling, and thoughts that I might have triggered some dormant problems in Chris(1). It’s not good for either of us to feel that way and for that I can only apologise to Chris(1).

On the upside, I got a phone call from Chris(1) late in the evening, which was after he had returned from his evening out, and we talked. He said that his problem is that he cannot remember, process or take in, anything he does not understand. He said for example, being gay is a very clear cut, well defined meaning, and he can understand that. He said, had I announced I was gay, rather than TG/TS he would easily have been able to cope. This provided me a little insight in to what he was going through so I asked him to think upon this thought, “what did you want to be when you grew up?” His reply was a meteorologist , which was kind of funny because I did as well, but I replied, “I wanted to be a woman.” With this he was a bit taken aback and asked me to explain more, so I replied, “I wanted to be a woman, have kids, be a house wife etc.” It’s worth noting that all is true, because I wanted to be a meteorologist and a computer programmer as well, I didn’t say that to Chris(1) though because I didn’t want to confuse and already confusing situation

Chris(1) didn’t understand fully, but the comments he made after, indicated that he was getting the idea of how, and why I am what I am.

I won’t try to repeat the conversation in full as it lasted over one hour, and a lot of the detail given was personal to him and would not serve any purpose to repeat here. I can say though at the end of the conversation he has invited me back on Tuesday night to have a chat, some pizza, some beer or wine (which I will have to decline as should not drink alcohol). This I think is the most positive outcome that could have happened and I am looking forward to it. I do hope he can cope with it, I really haven’t changed who I am, I am just changing what I look like.