This has to have been my worst day so far, in fact I’d even suggest that it was my worst day in ten years.
The day started as sullen as I had a slight headache (read: hangover) and I was still feeling upset over the conversation in the bar the previous night, and the fact the receptionist had referred to me not as Michelle, but “Mr” etc.
The conference itself was good and up to the usual standard, but later in the day my plans went awry.
The beer drenched slacks were stained and smelled so I washed them, and of course they did not dry. The blouse I had bought was a very small 16 and therefore the wrong size leaving only the top of the previous night to wear. I decided to do some more shopping and to see if I could get the next size up in shirt. Unfortunately that didn’t happen as it was 17:00 before I even got near the car. The shops were closed and as the evening party was due to start at 18:00 I knew there was no way that I would be able to go as Michelle.
I found the whole idea of not being Michelle very upsetting.
During the evening I was approached and asked that I remove all reference to two people from this blog as neither wanted to appear in it. Tanya commented afterwards that the person couldn’t have been more blunt if they had tried, personally as I am also very blunt I didn’t find that a problem at all.
What I will say here though, is if there is anyone that doesn’t want their name to appear, now or in the future, please email me, leave comments, come and tell me or phone me, I don’t care which and I will respect your choice, but please don’t get or let someone else express your feelings to me as that is what hurts more than anything. I will never publicize someone’s full name, only their first name and where possible I won’t even allow a reference to be inferred to the place of work, except by those whom also work in the same place or who have known me personally enough to know where I have worked.
At the end of the evening I had spoke to Jackie, who gave me some honest, and truthful advice, but not some that I wanted to hear. The basics was that I should have come to the conference as either Matthew or Michelle, not both as it is confusing for some and is likely to cause problems. Of course in my usual form I disagreed as I feel that the conference, whilst might not be the best of venues, is a good the friendly and social place to introduce the new me, to my peers and colleagues.
As I will not be Michelle full time until after Ally has said that she wants to see Michelle, there is no way I can be Michelle for the conference as this would be more confusing for people. Being Michelle part-time has resulted in those who met Michelle for the first time, going away with the confidence that in the short term Matthew will be helping them with their problems, not Michelle.
The result of the conversation left me feeling sad and down.
To top it all off I sat in the bar and I seemed to end up one of the last there, and was chatting about life to another delegate and he asked about the new me, life, triggers etc. This put me in a silly mood and I don’t know whether it was the hormones, the wine, the conversation, missing Ally, or what, but I was brought to tears thinking about Dad and what his reaction would have been, and the silliest part of all, how Ally and I took Cookie our pet rat to the vets to put her down after a progressively worsening brain tumor took over. I couldn’t even go into the vets as it felt like I was murdering an innocent life, and I bawled my eyes out. When I recalled the event in the bar, I did exactly the same thing again. How silly is that?